Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Popstar,

I just be honest, never heard of a spinach tin bleeding.

Regards,

Corporal Drags.

 

[kynikos]

Dear Drago

Inspired by your exploits on the Volvo thread I bought myself a two year old XC90 and, although I've never done it before, I thought I'd have a go at my own spannering.

I started by checking the windscreen washer fluid. Nice, easy job to start with. Two and a half litres later it was brimmed. Next came the oil and I found the filler cap quite easily. The first five litres went in easily enough, then another five, then same again. Bloody hell, twenty eight and a half litres to the brim and I'm guessing there was some in there already! Still, proud of myself - I didn't spill a drop.

Anyway, I think I must have caught a wire or something while doing it as the bloody thing won't start now.

Can you sort me out?

Best

Blondie

 

[Drago]

Dear Debbie,

I would suggest you get your chauffeur to check it over. If he can't get it started then he can push it while you drive.

Regards,

Clement Drago.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Drago

Inspired by your exploits on the Volvo thread I bought myself a two year old XC90 and, although I've never done it before, I thought I'd have a go at my own spannering.

I started by checking the windscreen washer fluid. Nice, easy job to start with. Two and a half litres later it was brimmed. Next came the oil and I found the filler cap quite easily. The first five litres went in easily enough, then another five, then same again. Bloody hell, twenty eight and a half litres to the brim and I'm guessing there was some in there already! Still, proud of myself - I didn't spill a drop.

Anyway, I think I must have caught a wire or something while doing it as the bloody thing won't start now.

Can you sort me out?

Best

Blondie

Dare I ask.....where did you find the oil filler cap ?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Debbie,

I would suggest you get your chauffeur to check it over. If he can't get it started then he can push it while you drive.

Regards,

Clement Drago.

Dear Drago

I got my chauffeur to have a look at it and he seemed to get rather het up

I decided I ought to help and asked
"do you want a screwdriver"

now my hair is all messed up

should i give him a pay rise??

yours

Debbs

(p.s. pardon the wobbly typing)

 

[Drago]

Dear David,

Your chauffeur seems to be rather above his station. A six month reduction in his gruel ration and a good horse whipping should teach the impudent fellow a lesson. If you find that you enjoy him horse whipping you then you can make it a regular thing.

Regards,

Rear Admiral Drago.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Although me and my best friend are married, we do share a bed. Nothing ever untoward happens; we always stay strictly on our own halves of the bed, in our nightshirts and nightcaps. Our wives wonder why we don't sleep in the same beds as them, but if you heard how they were always telling us off, you would understand why.

 

[Profpointy]

I know I am no expert
But I would recommend signalling you support for someone who looks even more ridiculous
you know - stupidly orange skin and unbelievable hairstyle

then you can be seen in public next to them a lot and people will not realise how stupid you look
you may have to compromise you principles if you do so so I recommend that you abandon first as they just get in the way

H


I personally would advise the use of hard drugs - Opium might be suitable - to learn to live with the problem

I believe your frind knows of a helpful apothecary that would be able to help

Unless Uncle D has a better suggestion

As a medical man I'm sure you'd have read of the new drug that psychologist in Vienna Herr Freud has just recommended. I think it's made from coca leaves from Columbia.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle

I am a very important person in my community - basically I just run the damn place

but people keep getting my name wrong
How can I correct this

Hedley Lamarr

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have got myself in a rather embarrassing situation due to a little accident I had today in the High Street.

I was on my way to Specsavers to collect my new glasses. I was pulling into the kerbside to park my beige Austin Allegro 1750cc and my tin of boiled sweets somehow fell from the dashboard and got wedged under the clutch pedal and I was unable to disengage the clutch. In my panic, I accidentally pressed hard on the throttle and accelerated into the door of the bank.

Naturally, I tried to correct this so reversed back. In my panic, I reversed straight across the street and hit the Post Office wall. I then tried to move the car again and misjudged things a bit and the car is now beached on top of a King Edward VII pillar box.

I've been arrested and accused of trying to ram-raid the bank and the Post Office and my big bag of change for the parking meter has been confiscated as evidence of the robbery. I am of course totally in innocent of all charges. I am also innocent of all the traffic violations they are trying to pin on me. I have been driving for 78 years and never had a conviction.

To make matters worse, the bank and the Post Office also want to claim from my car insurance for the damage, and my beloved Allegro is quite badly damaged. It's only done 5,000 very careful miles from new as I am 107 and a very careful driver. I have never used third or fourth gear. The arresting officer also pinched my tin of boiled sweets, although he denies it.

How can I get myself out of this tricky situation?

Yours faithfully,

Hughie

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Although me and my best friend are married, we do share a bed. Nothing ever untoward happens; we always stay strictly on our own halves of the bed, in our nightshirts and nightcaps. Our wives wonder why we don't sleep in the same beds as them, but if you heard how they were always telling us off, you would understand why.

Dear Yelling Fing,

Is your best friend a Labrador?

Dear Uncle

I am a very important person in my community - basically I just run the damn place

but people keep getting my name wrong
How can I correct this

Hedley Lamarr

Dear Henry Lemur,

Some kind of name badge, and perhaps anglicise your name from the original Peruvian.

Dear Drago,

I have got myself in a rather embarrassing situation due to a little accident I had today in the High Street.

I was on my way to Specsavers to collect my new glasses. I was pulling into the kerbside to park my beige Austin Allegro 1750cc and my tin of boiled sweets somehow fell from the dashboard and got wedged under the clutch pedal and I was unable to disengage the clutch. In my panic, I accidentally pressed hard on the throttle and accelerated into the door of the bank.

Naturally, I tried to correct this so reversed back. In my panic, I reversed straight across the street and hit the Post Office wall. I then tried to move the car again and misjudged things a bit and the car is now beached on top of a King Edward VII pillar box.

I've been arrested and accused of trying to ram-raid the bank and the Post Office and my big bag of change for the parking meter has been confiscated as evidence of the robbery. I am of course totally in innocent of all charges. I am also innocent of all the traffic violations they are trying to pin on me. I have been driving for 78 years and never had a conviction.

To make matters worse, the bank and the Post Office also want to claim from my car insurance for the damage, and my beloved Allegro is quite badly damaged. It's only done 5,000 very careful miles from new as I am 107 and a very careful driver. I have never used third or fourth gear. The arresting officer also pinched my tin of boiled sweets, although he denies it.

How can I get myself out of this tricky situation?

Yours faithfully,

Hughie

Dear Huge,

My advice - tell the poileas that you're Prindess Diana's chauffer and you're recrntly returned from a tour of duty driving her around Paris, and you're struggling to adapt back to normal driving.

Kind regards,

Conspiracy theory Drago.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Queenie Drags

I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like.

I want to break free!

Thinking of coming out of the closet to be honest.

By the way Drags, do you like me tash, grew it just for you.

Please help a very shy and retiring wannabe fat bottomed girl.

Yours, always

Freddie.

 

[Drago]

Dear Toshiro Mifune,

It's about time you came out the closet. Your Mother wants to put the ironing board away but can't while you're in there playing doctors with that Schofield boy.

Regards,

Brian Drago.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I'm not half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging over me.

I thing I said something wrong and now she has gone away. Why she had to go, I don't know, but I long for yesterday.

I need a place to hide away.

Yours sincerely,
P. Mc Cartney

 

[Drago]

Dear Mick Artney,

I'm not half the man I used to be.

Not since you lost a testicle in a pogo stick accident.

There's a shadow hanging over me.

That'll be the pogo stick, or possibly the remains of your tattered love spud.

I'd something wrong and now she has gone away. Why she had to go, I don't know, but I long for yesterday.

It's not what you said. It's just she didn't want to be in a relationship with an eunuch. Still, she won't get your money - she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

I need a place to hide away.

Indeed you do. You're a laughing stock. Old mono Mick Artney they call you.

Love,

Drago Esptein.