Uncle Drago's agony column

[classic33]

Dear Mr T

I am Helena, a young Athenian woman who is in love with Demetrius, a man I have a history with. However, Demetrius is in love with my friend Hermia and so scorns my affections towards him. I am envious of Hermia and the love Demetrius has for her and so I continue to pursue him, even following him into the forest. I have little self confidence and therefore when both Lysander and Demetrius show their affection for me, I believe they are just mocking me and I blame Hermia for this sudden change of circumstance. Fortunately, Lysander gets his senses back and I am left with the love of Demetrius which I have so long desired.

Should I put aside these infractions and not pursue my true love. Even though he seems set to marry someone else, unaware of my love for him?

Yours
A. Greek
Young & Besotted

 

[Drago]

Say what, fool? A woman called hernia? I pity that fool.

 

[postman]

Dear Mr T

I gave a letter to the postman, he put it his sac

Dear Uncle Drago.I am being hounded by the tax office,after a member on here told the world he gave me a letter.The tax people have accused me of working again,i am now on an emergency tax code and it is costing me a fortune.Can i sue the poster for giving this false information.

 

[Drago]

Dear Postman,

Fool! We know youre working, and I pity you for that. Invest your earnings in lashings kf heavyweight gold necklaces, then the revenue won't know.

Regards,

T.

 

[slow scot]

Dear Mr T

Never having written anything like this before, but I really need your advice on what may be a crucial decision.

I feel that my wife may be cheating on me. Looking back, all the signs were there. I just missed them for what they were. Simple things like phonecalls, which if I answered the caller hung up, her going out with the girls a lot of late. When I ask her who they are, she just says "they're the girls from work, you won't know them". I always stay awake until she comes home, often hoping to see her taxi outside. But she always walks down the street, never from outside the house.

I have never approached my wife with my fears, deep down I think I don't want to know the truth. But last night when she went out again, I parked my BMW R1150 GS outside the garage. This gave me the chance of seeing the full length of the street. Hopefully seeing her as she walked home.

It was whilst crouched down behind the bike, waiting, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine seemed to be leaking. Is this something I can sort out myself, or should I take it to a main dealer?

Yours
Harvey Davidson

A mere "like" for this is not enough. Though a bit late may I say this is just hilarious.

 

[Drago]

I'm afraid Mr T has had to leave us to start filming his new film - Snickers, this time it's personal.

However, in what I think is quite a coup, I've managed to blag a Mr A. Schwarzenegger to answer your letters.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Arnie

I'm in a dilemma. I put the washing on and then discovered an odd sock that was meant to be in the load as well.
Do I wash both socks, meaning sock #1 will be washed twice? Do I hang dirty sock #2 up and wear it twice? Should I wash sock #2 and leave sock #1 (This could be a kerfuffle).

Yours in hope
Diane, Leamington Spa

 

[Drago]

Dear scrawny weakling,

Zis is indeed a problem. If I ver you I vould shout "get to the washing machine" until it did as it vas told.

Heil, I mean yours faithfully.

The Oak.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Arnie

Looking through my old pictures, I am getting more and more freaked out.

It seems my very first bike was not at all the amazing red racing machine I "remember" but instead a blackish miniature farm gate with mudguards.

Do you think this ruined my cycling career for ever? Do you think I could have been a "great" if I started off better?

Do you think I am now trying to compensate for something?


Yours in wanting
Confused from Coventry

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Arnie.
I really could do with your advice.
I have fallen in love with a certain welsh woman (who I prefer not to name but will do if you insist).
In order to impress her I have increased my body building exercises to 6 days a week.
Now, my chest measures 35 inches, my biceps measure 12 inches and I can easily bench press 40 kilos.
Do you think this is too much for a shy welsh lass to come to terms with. The last thing I want is to make her swoon over my manly physique.
Yours
Ivor Bigun

 

[Drago]

Listen to me, you weak and weedy piece of worthless Democrat rubbish,

I had the same problem, so I cut the legs off of all my trousers. I'm not sure why I did so, but my career went from strength to strength following this. I suggest you do the same.

President Schwarzenegger.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Arnie,

There is a colleague at work who keeps stealing my Jammie Dodgers from my desk when she thinks I'm not looking.

How can I politely ask her to stop doing it?

Yours faithfully,
Roger

 

[Drago]

Dear puny theft victim,

I find zat two sings solve all of life's problems. Shooting things, and if you cannot shoot them, then shout at zen instead.

Having done so, you will then need to quickly follow it up with a wisecrack, such as "not so jammy now, a**hole."

Regards,

Major Dutch Schaeffer.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I feel as I grow older, I am becoming more curmudgeonly, cantankerous and intolerant. Is this something, ah wtf do you know, snowflake libtard.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Arnie,

How can I stop living in the past and look to the future instead. I really want to look to the forward instead of looking back


Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong.
Now I long for yesterday.

I know I need to move on from this after all these years but seem incapable of doing so - so Please, please Help Meeeeeee!

Yours faithfully,
Mr P. McCartney.