Uncle Drago's agony column

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Arnie,

There is a colleague at work who keeps stealing my Jammie Dodgers from my desk when she thinks I'm not looking.

How can I politely ask her to stop doing it?

Yours faithfully,
Roger

Dear Roger

Exlax is now available in powdered form. Could you not sprinkle some on your Jammie Dodgers. If questioned you could say you found they seemed to have an odd taste, but seemed okay.

This last part will lead the thief into a false sense of security Espescially if you take one from the same packet in front of them.

Yours
Cheap and Cheerful

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I feel as I grow older, I am becoming more curmudgeonly, cantankerous and intolerant. Is this something, ah wtf do you know, snowflake libtard.

Ah, Stallone, you crack me up!

 

[Edwardoka]

Dear Uncle Arnie,

My old computer is acting up but I can't spare the money necessary to buy a new operating system - I've tried reinstalling Windows XP but it is long since out of production, and besides Microsoft ended support for that version years ago.
I know a Spanish fellow who collects versions - and while I'm clearly struggling badly to come up with a less contrived way of setting up this joke, do you know what I should ask him to get a more up-to-date version? The one before Windows 7 would suffice.

 

[Drago]

Good morning, weak, unfocused person,

Windows has become a farce. I suggest you hold Bill Gates over a canyon until he agrees to revert to Windows 7, and then drop him to his death. You must then turn to the camera and with out a hint of irony you say, "I had to let gim go."

Love,

Ben Richards.

 

[postman]

Dear Mr A.
Uncle Drago is taking a break,so i have decided to contact you.Like another poster earlier, I too was in love with a Welsh Actress.Her beautiful face the voice of an Angel.She just had to utter those famous three words Hi de Hi,and i was in dreamland.In the hope of impressing her i did a workout regime,but being skint i only had one barbell, well that is my story.so i have a stupidly large bulging right arm and a string like left arm.How can i improve the look of my left arm.Wot wiv yu being a Wurld Chanpin an all,i fought yu cud giv mi some tips.

 

[tyred]

My Dearest Mr. Arnold,

I would appreciate your sincerest opinion and advice upon the troubles which affect my love-life at this time. I am torn betwixt two potential suitors.

One is an ineffective coward who lacks any backbone and is actually an insufferable bore but his father is very rich and he shall inherit an enormous estate and a nice luxurious house. It would greatly improve my social standing should I marry my dear Edgar.

The other an uneducated, ill-mannered devil but he is strong and good looking and I know in my heart that he loves me though he hasn't any assets to his name. The sex is also very good but I fear it would degrade my family name should I marry my dear Heathcliffe.

Oh, which should I choose? Which should I choose? I shall look forward to your wise council.

Yours faithfully,
Miss C. Earnshaw,
Wuthering Heights,
Yorkshire.

Post Script: On a slightly different matter, I also have some trouble with domestic staff as we have a servant who is bigoted, judgemental cur who likes to place curses on all members of the household. We also have a maid who is an interfering old busybody who is always trying to interfere in my private life and to read my letters and carry tales to others. How can I broach these delicate matters whilst still maintaining good working relations with my staff.

 

[oldfatfool]

How much cash in the bank do I require to retire at 51

 

[Drago]

My Dearest Mr. Arnold,

I would appreciate your sincerest opinion and advice upon the troubles which affect my love-life at this time. I am torn betwixt two potential suitors.

One is an ineffective coward who lacks any backbone and is actually an insufferable bore but his father is very rich and he shall inherit an enormous estate and a nice luxurious house. It would greatly improve my social standing should I marry my dear Edgar.

The other an uneducated, ill-mannered devil but he is strong and good looking and I know in my heart that he loves me though he hasn't any assets to his name. The sex is also very good but I fear it would degrade my family name should I marry my dear Heathcliffe.

Oh, which should I choose? Which should I choose? I shall look forward to your wise council.

Yours faithfully,
Miss C. Earnshaw,
Wuthering Heights,
Yorkshire.

Post Script: On a slightly different matter, I also have some trouble with domestic staff as we have a servant who is bigoted, judgemental cur who likes to place curses on all members of the household. We also have a maid who is an interfering old busybody who is always trying to interfere in my private life and to read my letters and carry tales to others. How can I broach these delicate matters whilst still maintaining good working relations with my staff.

Do,what I did - marry the money.

 

[Drago]

How much cash in the bank do I require to retire at 51

It depends what fuel comsumption you get from your Humvee.

 

[classic33]

My Dearest Mr. Arnold,

I would appreciate your sincerest opinion and advice upon the troubles which affect my love-life at this time. I am torn betwixt two potential suitors.

One is an ineffective coward who lacks any backbone and is actually an insufferable bore but his father is very rich and he shall inherit an enormous estate and a nice luxurious house. It would greatly improve my social standing should I marry my dear Edgar.

The other an uneducated, ill-mannered devil but he is strong and good looking and I know in my heart that he loves me though he hasn't any assets to his name. The sex is also very good but I fear it would degrade my family name should I marry my dear Heathcliffe.

Oh, which should I choose? Which should I choose? I shall look forward to your wise council.

Yours faithfully,
Miss C. Earnshaw,
Wuthering Heights,
Yorkshire.

Post Script: On a slightly different matter, I also have some trouble with domestic staff as we have a servant who is bigoted, judgemental cur who likes to place curses on all members of the household. We also have a maid who is an interfering old busybody who is always trying to interfere in my private life and to read my letters and carry tales to others. How can I broach these delicate matters whilst still maintaining good working relations with my staff.

On your second point, threaten to send any that don't do as you say to Lancashire.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Arnie

I joined the navy to see the world. I've seen it, now how do I get out?

Yours
A.B. Lesman

 

[roadrash]

Dear mr smallishpecker, my company cyberdine systems is thinking of launching a product called Skynet, do you think it will be successful.

yours..
your twin
mr D devito

 

[classic33]

Dear mr smallishpecker, my company cyberdine systems is thinking of launching a product called Skynet, do you think it will be successful.

yours..
your twin
mr D devito

Will you based in Japan?

 

[Drago]

Dear Scratchy Rash,

Your Skynet project has the makings of world dominating success. However, I'd steer clear of time machines for a bot if I were you.

Love, Pops.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Dear Drago,

I afraid I am much too important to write letters to people like you.

Please remember that I am very very very very very very very very important.

However there is no John Cleese fan club (despite my importance) as they were all murdered in 1983 by Michael Palins' fan club.

I enclose a picture to remind you of my importance.

J. Cleese