Uncle Drago's agony column

[Edwardoka]

Uncle Drago:

I have recently discovered secret messages on Tomato Sauce bottle labels.

These messages form part of a code which, when you take the 3rd letter of each word and assemble the whole string of letters and reverse them, reveal top secret instructions about preparing a landing site for the forthcoming invasion of earth by aliens from the planet Zod.

I don't want to be "sectioned" again so this time have not told the police about it. What should I do Uncle Drago?

Dear Correspondent,

Even nice people have beer parties. Spying rotters! Please transmit remaining philosophical passages mechanically. Too damn quick, consider beginning official process, carefully. Anyway, toodles!

Paul

(I need a better hobby)

 

[Slow But Determined]

Thanks for getting back to me the coverer bridges Uncle Drago.

Just one last thing that is bothering me.

What do you call people who have more than the have nots but don't have as much as the haves?

 

[classic33]

I dont claim to have the wonderous depth of knowledge that Drago has but I have been mulling your problem over.
I think the ONLY solution is.....
1. Clean bum.
2. Strip off completely
3. Brazenly walk out as though that
happens every day (which may be
true in your case)
4. Alter your car seat as you will be
slightly taller.
Job done. Glad to help. No thanks needed.

Just one problem, I don't drive. The seat will make pedalling awkward.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

A diamond knot as in diamond geezer

 

[Dave7]

Just one problem, I don't drive. The seat will make pedalling awkward.

Should still work. Just be careful where the saddle goes.

 

[Salty seadog]

I've just today started getting the ad banners at the top and bottom of the screen. I don't like it. Other than sticking a couple of strips of duct tape over the screen what can I do?

 

[Drago]

Thanks for getting back to me the coverer bridges Uncle Drago.

Just one last thing that is bothering me.

What do you call people who have more than the have nots but don't have as much as the haves?

Ah, the bigger than Mr Bigs, but not as big as Mr Quite Big Big's, but who think they're bigger than the Mr Big Bigs type of chap? They're usually arrissholes, if we're being honset, so call them anything you want.

I've just today started getting the ad banners at the top and bottom of the screen. I don't like it. Other than sticking a couple of strips of duct tape over the screen what can I do?

Got through the bin out the back of Specsavers, looking for faulty bifocals where only the straight ahead bit works properly. True, within a week your eyes will be bleeding, but it will solve the ad banner problem.

 

[Salty seadog]

Ah, the bigger than Mr Bigs, but not as big as Mr Quite Big Big's, but who think they're bigger than the Mr Big Bigs type of chap? They're usually arrissholes, if we're being honset, so call them anything you want.

Got through the bin out the back of Specsavers, looking for faulty bifocals where only the straight ahead bit works properly. True, within a week your eyes will be bleeding, but it will solve the ad banner problem.

Truly sage advice.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a very small willy and I am afraid that if I show it to the woman I adore, she'll laugh. I dare not confide in my friends. How can I arrange an electricity cut so that we have to undress in the dark?

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a very small willy and I am afraid that if I show it to the woman I adore, she'll laugh. I dare not confide in my friends. How can I arrange an electricity cut so that we have to undress in the dark?

My advice for what its worth.
Be brave.
Get your willy out, open the bathroom door, put your willy in the crack, slam the door......then run backwards to stretch it.
I did it.
Didnt work for me so let me know how you get on.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.

The steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.

My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking through a pinhole I can see luggage bound for Gibraltar.

I fear for the worst. No one dare open the Diplomatic Bag that I am trapped in.

Am I doomed Uncle Drago?

Dick Athlon formerly of London

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

Every time I read the Daily Mail, my blood pressure rises severely and I get palpitations and dizziness. Any ideas what I could do to stop this from happening?

 

[Salty seadog]

Dear Drago,

Every time I read the Daily Mail, my blood pressure rises severely and I get palpitations and dizziness. Any ideas what I could do to stop this from happening?

Cancel the subscription.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.

The steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.

My phone battery is almost depleted. On looking through a pinhole I can see luggage bound for Gibraltar.

I fear for the worst. No one dare open the Diplomatic Bag that I am trapped in.

Am I doomed Uncle Drago?

Dick Athlon formerly of London

Fear not. those nice chaps at the Saudi embassy are bound to let you see a Doctor and give you a nice cup of tea.

 

[classic33]

In the 1966 World Cup final, Helmut Haller put West Germany ahead after 12 minutes. I noticed that in an episode of Fawlty Towers, Basil, with a bandage on his head is being rude to a table of very pleasant mannered Germans.

On the credits I noticed the name of Helmut Haller. Is this the same Helmut Haller who scored the goal for West Germany?

P. Dantic, Saffron Waldon.