True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

As a teenager Chris Rea as a late developer and could not grow a beard.

At age 17 he started sleeping with a poultice of Baby Bio and potting compost smeared on his face.

This tactic was if anything too successful and he now has to have his beard trimmed three times a day. The trimmings are used as stuffing for old style school gym mats.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea once fell into his Wheely bin while trying to retrieve a plectrum that he had mistakenly thrown in there, and was unable to get out. His habit of not recycling came in handy as he survived until the next bin day by licking the residual juice off empty baked bean tins. He also ate the plectrum.

He is considering converting the Wheely bin into a time machine, the chief benefit is it will blend into most recent decades, way better than a plastic porta loo or battered Tranny van,
It will save on power as he won't need to have the cloaking device on.

 

[grldtnr]

Robson Green thinks there's something fishy about That smoggie Rea...just an inkling, but he can't quite figure out the Angle.....

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea has a bike rack fitted to his Turdis.

 

[Drago]

The MOT kn Chris Rea's TURDIS expired 2412 years ago. The magistrate did not buy Rea's excuses about Richard Madely tampering with the speedo.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea is using the Time Transit to help in his new job as a specialist Just Eat Courier, Rea's Take Away offers a menu from across the centuries, such as Egyptian Tomb Cheese, Roast Roman Dormouse, Openarse Apples, Irish Bog Butter, Tansies, Ambergris & Cockentrice, plus to wash it all down bottles of Cock Beer, just don't Google any of those if your eating any time soon!

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea supplements his meagre music industry income buy illegally deristicting the TURDIS to be a Deliveroo driver.

 

[craigwend]

Chris Rea's negotiated his entire musical 'back' catalogue with Spotify, by a very specific and 'unoticed' detail in the contract it can only be played 'backwards'...

 

[Drago]

President Trump has told President Putin that if he does not cease the war in Ukraine he will send Chris Rea on a tour of Russia.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea is using the Time Transit to help in his new job as a specialist Just Eat Courier, Rea's Take Away offers a menu from across the centuries, such as Egyptian Tomb Cheese, Roast Roman Dormouse, Openarse Apples, Irish Bog Butter, Tansies, Ambergris & Cockentrice, plus to wash it all down bottles of Cock Beer, just don't Google any of those if your eating any time soon!

, I'll make my excuses and not go to the Redcar scout hut jamboree supper he invited me to , he did say it's fancy dress, feel free to bring your own cock beer!

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea has been banned from the pink bike forum for claiming the crossbar on his bicycle is indeed pink.

The problem is that it's a Brompton.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has vowed to put an end to the Wars of the Roses. He is attending high level peace talks in his garden shed, but has been criticised for not inviting anyone from Lancashire. Or Yorkshire. Or, in fact, anyone else at all.

 

[lazybloke]

Inspired by survival stories by the likes of Shackleton and Joe Simpson, Chris Rea has written a book documenting his near starvation whilst trapped in a wheelie bin.

Pre-release reviews of the book predicted it would be a top 10 best seller, but its success was doomed the moment that Richard Madeley ridiculed it on "Richard and Judy's Book Club".

The feud between Rea and Madeley continues to escalate.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea had been considering a new model of transport as he promised Chloe Madeley a bigger vehicle, but he was extremely relieved to find the TURDIS has grown by an unexpected 0.1mm.

 

[lazybloke]

The phrase "hopping through time" inspired Chris Rea to fit an auberge capacitor to a pogo stick.

He threw it in his wheelie bin, because no-one can pogo at 88mph, and even after heavy modifications it still wouldn't activate at any speed lower than 42mph.

In other news, a BIFFA bin lorry vanished without trace from its recycling collection route in Middlesbrough this week. Last seen in the vicinity of the Chris Rea residence, police are appealing for any witnesses, as there have been no ANPR pings.

Chris Rea was approached for any CCTV footage,.but shouted 'no comment' and slammed his door shut.