True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

Chris Rea's beard is so wiry that scientists hypothesise it would resist spaghettification if he were to fall into a black hole.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea's beard is so virile, he has to keep it covered , otherwise the majority of women will just fall pregnant , just looking at it.
He wears a special beard nappy over it, just in case.

 

[Dogtrousers]

The reason for Chris Rea's beard having such strange properties is because it doesn't grow in the normal way. Instead of sprouting from follicles in his skin, his beard is spun by a colony of tiny symbiotic spiders previously unknown to science.

 

[Drago]

During one trip back to the 1960s Chris Rea's beard was mistaken for The Blob, and Rea found himself trapped in a packing crate and dumped at the south pole before the misunderstanding was sorted.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has difficulty with small buttons. But as he is a mega rich rock rock star he has special velcro adaptations made to his shirts

 

[lazybloke]

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has been arrested

Middlesbrough police confirm a man was taken into custody on suspicion of owning a dangerous breed of dog; he was later released when forensic analysis revealed it was actually a scruffy, mangy, revolting beard.

Having narrowly avoided the beard being confiscated and exterminated, Rea has legally declared it to be a guide dog, hearing dog, medical alert dog and therapy dog, inadvertently qualifying himself for the maximum PIP benefit.

 

[Drago]

Russian scientists have discovered Chris Rea's beard buried in the permafrost. They're hoping to clone it and revive the species which, according to ancient cave paintings,could grow as tall as 12 feet.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea was not born in the usual manner. He emerged one day fully formed, complete with beard, from the freezer of the family's ice cream business.

 

[Drago]

Never under any circumstances accept a cone of Chris Rea's "iced cream" unless you're on the pill.

 

[grldtnr]

Never under any circumstances accept a cone of Chris Rea's "iced cream" unless you're on the pill.

I fear that won't stop unwanted birthing of 'Rea'lty' Gopaca super being clones alone , full over all 'onesie' prophylactics , complete with re-breather apparatus , is the only sure way of avoiding pregnancy,
On the other hand , gestation won't be that long, 6 weeks and not 9 months, but on the other hand Gopaca super beings don't have a long life span,but when they do emerge out of the freezer they do look a lot like Paul Gascoigne ,complete with a drink habit.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea unsuccessfully tried to sue BMW after shutting his beard jn the electric sunroof. He lost the case after BMW produced page 64 of the handbook in their defence, "men or women with beards should exercise extreme caution when operating the electric sunroof, electric windows, or automatic egg scrambler."

 

[Dogtrousers]

When Johnny Wilkinson was playing for Newcastle he became friendly with some of the showbiz stars of the North East, including Chris Rea. Wilkinson credits Rea for providing inspiration for his 2003 world cup winning drop goal. "The whole squad would listen to a bit of twangy sort of blues orientated music before each match. It really put us in the mood"

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea unsuccessfully tried to sue BMW after shutting his beard jn the electric sunroof. He lost the case after BMW produced page 64 of the handbook in their defence, "men or women with beards should exercise extreme caution when operating the electric sunroof, electric windows, or automatic egg scrambler."

I see a defence stratagem , that's obviously written in 'Chinglish' , unless there are accompanying pictorial instructions,then it cannot form a basis of defence.
Anycase Chris can't read it , as he can only read ancient Mayan .
But as former 'Plod' , you may say ingnorance isn't a defence, but it's instructions ,not law.

 

[DRM]

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has been arrested

Middlesbrough police confirm a man was taken into custody on suspicion of owning a dangerous breed of dog; he was later released when forensic analysis revealed it was actually a scruffy, mangy, revolting beard.

Having narrowly avoided the beard being confiscated and exterminated, Rea has legally declared it to be a guide dog, hearing dog, medical alert dog and therapy dog, inadvertently qualifying himself for the maximum PIP benefit.

In further revelations he now has a Blue Badge on the back of this, as evidenced by The Turdis & Time Transit being seen parked on double yellow lines in several decades across time

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Mark Knopfler has stolen Turdis technology to create his own time travel machine.