True Facts About Chris Rea

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea unsuccessfully tried to sue BMW after shutting his beard jn the electric sunroof. He lost the case after BMW produced page 64 of the handbook in their defence, "men or women with beards should exercise extreme caution when operating the electric sunroof, electric windows, or automatic egg scrambler."

I see a defence stratagem , that's obviously written in 'Chinglish' , unless there are accompanying pictorial instructions,then it cannot form a basis of defence.
Anycase Chris can't read it , as he can only read ancient Mayan .
But as former 'Plod' , you may say ingnorance isn't a defence, but it's instructions ,not law.

 

[DRM]

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Rea has been arrested

Middlesbrough police confirm a man was taken into custody on suspicion of owning a dangerous breed of dog; he was later released when forensic analysis revealed it was actually a scruffy, mangy, revolting beard.

Having narrowly avoided the beard being confiscated and exterminated, Rea has legally declared it to be a guide dog, hearing dog, medical alert dog and therapy dog, inadvertently qualifying himself for the maximum PIP benefit.

In further revelations he now has a Blue Badge on the back of this, as evidenced by The Turdis & Time Transit being seen parked on double yellow lines in several decades across time

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Mark Knopfler has stolen Turdis technology to create his own time travel machine.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea uses tiny sections of beard clippings as fret wire polish on his guitars, however it is very abrasive & his first attempt led to him having to cough up for a full re-fret at the local luthiers, thus negating any savings on buying the correct materials until he breaks even in 2265

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea's beard is rich in chlorophyll, enabling Chris to photosynthesise on a sunny day.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's beard has been hunted to near extinction. There is a world wide ban protecting it, which the Japanese breach for "scientific purposes."

 

[DRM]

Teesside Police officers are searching for a bearded local, supposedly collecting for charity, it's only after they have donated and the man disappears, do they realize he actually said he was collecting on behalf of "Blind Dogs For The Guides" the Girl Guides Association have robustly denied any involvement, but did say that should any Blind Dogs be left at their meetings, their members would care for them, and receive the Animal lover Badge for their efforts

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea qas a Girl Guide prior to joining the Womens Land Army.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

The Guides use Merkins made from extracts of Chris Rea’s beard.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea's beard has been hunted to near extinction. There is a world wide ban protecting it, which the Japanese breach for "scientific purposes."

At the height of his career, Chris Rea toured Scandinavia. Between concerts, he took a day-trip to the ice floes but his pet beard caught the attention of Norwegian seal-clubbers and Rea was lucky to avoid serious injury.

And that is why Middlesbrough isn't twinned with Tromsø.

 

[grldtnr]

You do know that Paul Gascoigne is a disciple of the omnipotent Chris Rea, on account that Chris helped him sing 'Fog on the Tyne', which Paul just couldn't do without a lot of assistance from the omnipotent one's luxurious beard.
Some say Gascoigne is the longest surviving Gopaca 'Rea'lty' clone super beings,just because of the influence of that beard.
But that other Chris, Chris Twaddle was cast adrift on account he does not worship the omnipotent Lord Rea.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has a secret tunnel into the main Ffyfes banana warehouse. He enters at dead of night and pokes and prods the bananas in order to bruise them.

So if your banana has more squishy black bits on it than it should have - you know who to blame.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea did the voice of Hiram Hackenbacker in Thunderbirds.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea did the voice of Hiram Hackenbacker in Thunderbirds.

He was mightily upset at missing out to Frankie Howard as the voice of the Mysterons. But it was probably for the best. A whole generation now say: "This is the voice of the Mysterons. Titter ye not"

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea doesn't recycle, and then wonders why he can't get the lid on his black bin after a month (Green Party local council.)