True Facts About Chris Rea

[lazybloke]

Inspired by survival stories by the likes of Shackleton and Joe Simpson, Chris Rea has written a book documenting his near starvation whilst trapped in a wheelie bin.

Pre-release reviews of the book predicted it would be a top 10 best seller, but its success was doomed the moment that Richard Madeley ridiculed it on "Richard and Judy's Book Club".

The feud between Rea and Madeley continues to escalate.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea had been considering a new model of transport as he promised Chloe Madeley a bigger vehicle, but he was extremely relieved to find the TURDIS has grown by an unexpected 0.1mm.

 

[lazybloke]

The phrase "hopping through time" inspired Chris Rea to fit an auberge capacitor to a pogo stick.

He threw it in his wheelie bin, because no-one can pogo at 88mph, and even after heavy modifications it still wouldn't activate at any speed lower than 42mph.

In other news, a BIFFA bin lorry vanished without trace from its recycling collection route in Middlesbrough this week. Last seen in the vicinity of the Chris Rea residence, police are appealing for any witnesses, as there have been no ANPR pings.

Chris Rea was approached for any CCTV footage,.but shouted 'no comment' and slammed his door shut.

 

[DRM]

In other news, a BIFFA bin lorry vanished without trace from its recycling collection route in Middlesbrough this week. Last seen in the vicinity of the Chris Rea residence, police are appealing for any witnesses, as there have been no ANPR pings.

Chris Rea was approached for any CCTV footage,.but shouted 'no comment' and slammed his door shut.

An historical drawing from plague times seems to depict a Dennis bin wagon with the words BIFFA on the side, and underneath that BRING OUT YOUR DEAD, with the front arms containing an industrial bin flinging plague victims in the back. a bearded man is depicted in the cab, ringing a bell, history experts from Middlesbrough Polytechnic believed it to be fake, however carbon dating shows it to have been drawn sometime around 1320 to 1400, to further compound matters, an abandoned bin lorry, loaded with corpses, matching the description has been found in a Lay-By on the A19 near to Leake Church, which is on the site of an abandoned Medieval Village, Police, Ambulance & Fire crews in Pressurized Hazard Suits are dealing with the situation, Chris Rea is keeping a low profile currently

 

[Drago]

It was Chris Rea, through intemperate use of the TURDIS, that introduced smallpox to 15th Century north America.

 

[Supersuperleeds]

He might have been driving home for Christmas, but horrendous driving conditions on the A1 mean he has only just arrived home, his wife wasn't happy that the valentines day gift was wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. His tea is now in the dog and he is in the spare room.

 

[Drago]

In the seventies Chris Rea worked part time as a Dave Lee Travis impersonator.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea once accidentally set his prized Ferrari on fire while trying to grill sausages on the engine block after a particularly grueling gig. He claims the sausages were perfectly cooked, though the car was a write-off. He later immortalized the incident in a blues song titled "Smoke on the Highway

 

[Supersuperleeds]

In the 2000’s he was Cheryl Cole’s interpreter.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea wrote the song Auberge to commemorate passing out halfway through eating an aubergine.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris always carries an aubergine in his right jeans pocket.

 

[Dogtrousers]

In the 2000’s he was Cheryl Cole’s interpreter.

Chris Rea interpreted Cheryl Cole in the medium of dance.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea organised a birthday party for Cheryl Cole.

Unfortunately, she assaulted what she thought was a Strip O Gram but which turned out to be a real copper and got herself arrested, while Rea (wanted by Interpol for insider trading using the time machine to obtain inside information) slipped quietly away in the TURDIS.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea interpreted Cheryl Cole in the medium of dance.

Chris has a tattoo of a Rose covering port & starboard arse cheeks, just like Cheryl Cole......
It's a thorny issue with his missus, especially if he is wearing one of madam Coles' thongs.....

 

[craigwend]

Lego tried to create a Lego - Chris Rea, for reasons not understood by modern, past or future science, they just could not...