True Facts About Chris Rea

[Paulus]

Chris Rea was approached to do the pilot show for a series called gone fishing with Bob Mortimer, but the producers thought that two Middlesbrough accents on one show was to much.
So they contacted Paul Whitehouse to take his place.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has a notoriously short attention span. If he fails to catch a fish after about five minutes of fishing he finds other means of amusing himself such as maggot racing, or approaching passers-by and pretending to be an escaped lunatic with vague eastern European accent.

 

[Drago]

The leaking Auberge Field from the exhaust of Chris Rea's time machine caused mental infirmness mass hysteria across the nation one day on 2016. People awoke the next do to discover we were 'out'.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea wrote the song, I Pity The Fool (if you think its over), about his idol Mr T leaving the A Team.

Sadly music execs did not think the British would understand the reference so changed the title for the domestic market.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea co-authored the Linux operating system with Finn Linus Torvalds, who has since taken most of the credit. He wrote his song "The Road to Helsinki" about driving from Vantaa airport to a meeting with Torvalds.

Sadly those meddling music execs intervened yet again, making him change the title.

 

[PeteXXX]

Chris Rea once played 'The Invisible Man' but no one saw him do it....

 

[Drago]

Terence Stamp's Shperman character, General Zod, was based upon Chris Rea, altnohgh they toned down the super-powers to make the film more believeable.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has been bitterly critical of Springwatch presenter Chris Packham, of whom Rea once said "He doesn't know a plover from a peewit".

This enmity dates back to Rea being passed over for the role of presenter of the bird-perving show.

Rea penned a satirical ditty entitled "Fool if you think it's plover" as a thinly veiled attack on Packham, only for his mortal enemies, the music execs, to discover it and change the title.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea went back 65 million years to watch the dinosaur extinction event. He was orbiting in space and nothing seemed to be happening. He decided to flush the portaloo Time Machine. Everything had stuck together and hardened into a massive shoot. It heated up in the upper atmosphere before crashing into Mexico. Massive amounts of methane and shoot were released changing the atmosphere. The dinosaurs had no chance.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea was a marketing consultant for margarine product I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Once the manufacturers were happy that they had sufficiently distanced their horrible product from the wholesome dairy alternative, they turned their attention to differentiating themselves from competing purveyors of vile yellow gloop.

Chris came up with a marketing ditty "Fool if you think it's Clover". Before his clients could use his work, the evil music execs discovered that Chris had been moonlighting, laid claim to the tune, and changed the name.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea wrote the song Suspicious Minds, after he had passed his driving test and borrowed his dads brand new Ford Cortina 1600E, he was pulled over just outside Whitby by the North Riding Constabulary, with him was his fellow Middlesbrough resident and rock singer Paul Rodgers, the Police suspected the pair had stolen the car, but were released when he proved the car was his dads, and he was using it with permission, this lead to him writing the lines, Cortina trap, I can’t walk off, and We can’t go on together with suspicious minds, however record execs had trouble selling the song to Elvis, who was clueless as to what a Cortina was, so Chris changed the lyrics to those we all recognize making it a huge hit

 

[Dogtrousers]

the Police suspected the pair had stolen the car,

That PC Sting was always known overstepping his authority.

 

[Dogtrousers]

In the 90s ITV were working on a pet-based version of the quiz show Mr and Mrs. In the original, contestants were humiliated by their inability to recognise their spouse by their answers to certain questions. In the pet version, contestants were tricked into mistaking different animals for their own pets.

All was going well for the show, "Fool if You Think it's Rover", until music execs discovered that Chris Rea had written a catchy theme tune. The resulting name change was inevitable.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea used his time machine and go back millenia so that he could torture animals for pleasure. He is responsible for the evolutionary path taken by the skunk.

 

[Grant Fondo]

Chris set up Park Christmas Savings Club in 2009, but relinquished his directorship in 2012 when he realised it ripped off poor people.
Now he drives up and pays how he goes.
What a legend.