True Facts About Chris Rea

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea has an interest in astronomic events, and used his Turdis to visit Tunguska in 1908 to see the comet airburst.
Despite camping out for several weeks he saw nothing except mile upon mile of unspoiled boreal forest.

He tried Arizona next, but the Baringer Meteor crater site was undisturbed grassland.

The final straw was a visit to Chicxulub on the Yucutan peninsula, where he saw only a bucolic scene of grazing dinosaurs.

Frustrated and angry, Rea returned to his workshop in the present day, and finally got round to recalibrating his flux capacitor; it had been causing a rather nasty backfire whenever he dematerialised.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea used the Turdis to visit Pennsylvania so he could wee first hand the assassination of Donald Trump.

However, the excessive Auberge Field created by rhe cheap Road To Hell brand flux capacitor deflected the incoming round slightly, thus rewriting history.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea used the Turdis to visit Pennsylvania so he could wee first hand the assassination of Donald Trump.

However, the excessive Auberge Field created by rhe cheap Road To Hell brand flux capacitor deflected the incoming round slightly, thus rewriting history.

That reminds me.....
Everyone knows about Trump's golden bathroom fittings, but Rea was curious to understand why there was particular interest in a golden shower that some say the orange one likes to demonstrate to nice Russian ladies.
Chris Ria, having recently upgraded his Time Machine with a cloaking device made from an XR4i spoiler, grabbed his camera and headed off through time and space to document Trumps accommodation.

Ria does not speak of his findings.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea declined to have sex with Stormy Daniels. He was saving himself for Deidre Barlow.

 

[Moon bunny]

Chris Rea has the UK’s largest captive spider, a Scaridus lookatthatun or Ecuadorian helping spider, with a body length of 6.5 cm and leg span of 25cm. In its wild habitat it helps primates such as squirrel monkeys by passing to them fruit and other food that is out of the monkeys’ reach, this stops the monkeys from eating the spiders. Chris Rea keeps his specimen in the downstairs toilet, where it satisfies its helpful instincts by living in the toilet roll tube and passing sheets of toilet paper to the toilet users.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea visited the battle of Waterloo in his Time Machine. It was greatly appreciated, having a second toilet.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea declined to have sex with Stormy Daniels. He was saving himself for Deidre Barlow.

Chris Rea did actually have a bit part in Corrie. He played an intellectual friend of Ken Barlow's. Unfortunately Deirdre was having it off with Mike Baldwin at the time so he missed his chance there.

 

[Grant Fondo]

an early photo of Chris (far left, playing the harp) with his first band, Billy Bejesus and the Boro Boys c.1876

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea visited the battle of Waterloo in his Time Machine. It was greatly appreciated, having a second toilet.

Afterwards he went to Sweden in 1974, a then unknown band were desperately trying to write a song for Eurovision, when the Turdis appeared, they’d come up with the opening bars, one of the girl singers said Oooh Portaloo, finally facing a Portaloo, the first lyrics of the song were about the strange appearance of a portable convenience, however Chris stepped out and told them all about the Battle of Waterloo he’d just witnessed, and how Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington had nearly wet his britches laughing when the strong winds from his arrival had blown Napoleon from his horse head first into a cow pat, the band were so inspired by Chris Rea’s tale they wrote a song called Waterloo, he also advised them not to spell the bands name that way, but try ABBA instead

 

[Drago]

There is no lavatory in Chris Rea's time machine. He sticks his bum out the window and sheets I to the passing space-time continuum.

 

[Supersuperleeds]

Chris Rea worked on the special effects for Clash of The Titans, by all accounts he was inspired by the Morph animations from Take Hart.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea took his Time Machine back to Spitalfields, London on the early hours of Friday November 9th, 1888, as the Turdis settled outside Millers Court, he opened the door to have a look round, when suddenly a man in blood stained clothing wielding a knife jumped in, then threatened Chris that he would slice him up, proper bad, and make no mistake, unbeknown to the man Chris Rea had trained with the SAS, and is an accomplished MMA Cage fighter, he threw the blood stained ne’er do well around the inside of the Turdis, accidentally hitting the “Feel Lucky” date selector button whilst disarming him, they wound up in the late Cretaceous Period, around 70 Million Years ago, when the door to the Turdis opened the man broke free, and tried to leg it shouting, no one will get Jack alive, and he was indeed correct, as a passing T-Rex had Jack for a mid morning snack, in this way Chris Rea saved the ladies of London from the dreadful Jack The Ripper, Police to this day have no idea why his murder spree stopped so suddenly, but Chris Rea knows the truth.

 

[Seevio]

When Chris Rea drives, he never makes left turns as he has not realised what indicators do and can't remember the gand signal.

 

[Grant Fondo]

Although Chris invented veganism in 1967, he is still partial to a T-bone steak every friday night.
He acted as consultant to The Smiths for a short period on their 'Meat Is Murder' album but left due to 'artistic differences', Morrissey later confirming Chris had worn a leather belt to a recording session.

 

[Drago]

The sound effects for the bank heist gun battle in the Michael Mann movie Heat are actually the sounds of Chris Rea's passing time machine backfiring as it passed through then1990s.