True Facts About Chris Rea

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea was caught speeding and sent on a course. He says it was great and he can drive even faster now.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea has been authorised by President Zellenn Zelin Zeppe the Ukranians to fire the TURDIS exhaust deep into Russian territory.

 

[lazybloke]

In my last community speedwatch training session, cops explained that my speed readings were inadmissible in court due to the radar guns not having sufficient calibration records.

To illustrate this point, they told the urban legend of the Teeside group who keep submitting readings of a vehicle travelling faster than the speed of light.

 

[grldtnr]

That will be the flying Portaloo then,

 

[lazybloke]

That will be the flying Portaloo then,

Indeed.
Under the totting-up rules, video evidence from ANPR cameras should have caused Chris Rea to lose his driving licence with many thousands of points, but DVLA keep assuming the readings are an error.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Indeed.
Under the totting-up rules, video evidence from ANPR cameras should have caused Chris Rea to lose his driving licence with many thousands of points, but DVLA keep assuming the readings are an error.

Chris has used the old "extreme hardship" excuse. Every time they threaten to take away his licence, he retaliates by threatening to cause extreme hardship across the country by re-releasing Fool if You Think it's Over.

 

[lazybloke]

Also he has employed the services of the loophole lawer, who keeps pointing out that many of the offences are dated thousands of years in the future; Teeside police clearly have faulty sensors ;The case should be dismissed, m'lud.

 

[Moon bunny]

Chris Rea is starring in a new pantomime at the Theatre Royal, York. Produced by Crosswords Productions it is based on Dostovyesky’s novel “The Idiot”. “6 hours of glorious intellectual thought” read the posters.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was off somewhere in the TURDIS and thus unavailable to sing the music for the new Asda Crimbo advert.

Out of desperation the producers managed to sober up a local wino long enough to grunt the lyrics before paying him Special Brew (they really did - listen to it!)

 

[DRM]

After a chance meeting with Brian Johnson and Angus Young over breakfast at the IKEA at the Metro Centre, Chris Rea scrubbed the idea of getting a Billy Bookcase, and instead offered to take them for a run in the Time Transit, as Brian is a well known petrol head they couldn’t refuse, both Brian & Angus were intrigued by the sounds from the time circuits firing up the Auberge field, so having got onto the A1 Northbound, in order to use it as a runway, the Time Transit disappeared in a shower of sparks just as a speed camera went off, confusing the Northumbria Constabulary who still believe the camera had a near miss from a cruise missile, both Brian and Angus fancied a trip to the seaside for a paddle, an ice cream, and a bag of chips at lunchtime, so Chris obliged and within a split second they appeared in South Shields, the Time Transit appeared close to The Lawe, where the Arbeia Roman Fort is, unfortunately due to another data entry cock up it was 300 AD, not 1960, then a sudden fiery explosion from the Time Transit’s auberge field set the Fort on Fire, causing the Roman Legionnaires to flee for their lives, deciding they should leave sharpish, they set the controls for summer 1976, and visited the Radio 1 Road Show at Seaton Carew instead, the visit was a success, they each won a goody bag and met Smiley Miley, the incident at Arbeia gave Brian & Angus inspiration to write Thunderstruck, the opening riff sounding remarkably similar to the Auberge field building up to full power

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea has been banned from overflying land in the TURDIS at supersonic speed and some peculiarity of the sonic boom caused by the Auberge Field causes women's hymens to break.

There is some speculation that this regulation will be relaxed now that an increasing number of women have a winky.

 

[lazybloke]

Not only can Chris Rea fit quicker than a kwik fit fitter, but he's also been heard to say "we know the meaning of cleaning".

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea does the shake n vac and outs the freshness back.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea has recently let it slip that he has invented a full invisibility suit, this helps him no end when visiting different places in time, the first test was a roaring success, he went to Menwith Hill, and walked up to the MOD Police officer on guard, and in his gravelly voice said Beware the ghost of the moors, who promptly screamed dropped his weapon and ran off into the base, Chris followed the now gibbering wreck, who tried to explain to a colleague what had happened, who then brought a US Air Force senior officer in, who said to the poor constable that sounds scary you must have sh*t yourself, the plod said who told you that, was it blabber mouth over there, the next test was an even more spectacular success by getting in to the set of Most Haunted, he pretended to be a spirit guide, who got Derek Acorah to shout Mary Loves Dick on UK TV, and regularly went back to egg the paranormal investigations on.

View: https://youtu.be/I8H_v8cM9CQ?si=I3eCn9y_9lsttntY

When he told Mrs Rea what he’d done, they watched the programme, Mrs Rea’s only comment was I bet she does

 

[PeteXXX]

Chris Rea once got punched by John Prescott. All he was doing was checking his box of eggs.