OP
OP
Bill Gates
Guest
- Location
- West Sussex
Is getting jokes a man thing
- Thread starter Bill Gates
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Hold the thread!... Hold the thread!
Elapsed time = 5 minutes
Ok yous may begin! ...slurrrrrrp ahhh!
It looked like it had promise and it hasn't disappointed. Although we miss some of the more predictable characters these days: Well bar the odd one or two.
Not a thread I would dare to start - the phrase 'hostage to fortune' springs to mind...
OP
OP
Bill Gates
Guest
- Location
- West Sussex
This is a joke from my speech at my daughter's wedding.
Scene a man meets a woman and has a whirlwind romance getting married within weeks of meeting each other.
On their honeymoon sitting by the pool at their hotel the man turned to his new bride and said “Isn’t it wonderful darling, we have the rest of our lives to find out about each other” and with that he strode on to the spring board and leapt 12 feet into the air performing a double somersault with twist and making a perfect entry into the pool. He proceeded to do three more perfect dives with pikes, somersaults and twists.
He came back to where his wife was sitting and she said “Wow that was fantastic” to which he replied “Thank you darling, you know I used to be an Olympic diver”. His bride then walked towards the pool, dived in and swam a powerful stroke for 30 lengths, and then when she came back she was hardly out of breath.
Impressed he said to her “that was fantastic; did you used to be an Olympic swimmer?” “No” she said “I used to be a hooker in Venice and worked both sides of the canal”.
Scene a man meets a woman and has a whirlwind romance getting married within weeks of meeting each other.
On their honeymoon sitting by the pool at their hotel the man turned to his new bride and said “Isn’t it wonderful darling, we have the rest of our lives to find out about each other” and with that he strode on to the spring board and leapt 12 feet into the air performing a double somersault with twist and making a perfect entry into the pool. He proceeded to do three more perfect dives with pikes, somersaults and twists.
He came back to where his wife was sitting and she said “Wow that was fantastic” to which he replied “Thank you darling, you know I used to be an Olympic diver”. His bride then walked towards the pool, dived in and swam a powerful stroke for 30 lengths, and then when she came back she was hardly out of breath.
Impressed he said to her “that was fantastic; did you used to be an Olympic swimmer?” “No” she said “I used to be a hooker in Venice and worked both sides of the canal”.
OP
OP
Bill Gates
Guest
- Location
- West Sussex
From June 2006. I have posted this joke before and that's where you probably saw it. No one I knew had heard it at the time. When I told the joke at the reception they (over 100 seated guests) were laughing so much that they drowned out the last bit of the punchine ........and worked both sides of the canal. It's the truth. However there's nothing like putting a downer on things to lower the spirits. It's Friday and there's a long weekend coming up. Enjoy!
OP
OP
Bill Gates
Guest
- Location
- West Sussex
If you know it's so old then why did you post it?
I'm happy and when I'm happy I like to re live good experiences. It's like reading a good book. You read it over and over, or a favourite Comedy sketch like Morecambe and Wise singing in the rain. You remember who you were with when you watched it for the first time. When you watch it again you remember the laughter of the other members of your family and it makes you feel good.
It would appear that this joke doesn't have the same effect for you. i'm sorry about that.
For me it brings back good memories. allow me that indulgence.
OP
OP
Bill Gates
Guest
- Location
- West Sussex
Hey. Haven't heard from you for while. Are you all sorted at work now?
Baggy
Cake connoisseur
- Location
- Where the chevrons are
The last time that joke was aired on Cycle Chat the bride was a hooker from Liverpool...and it sparked off a row 'cos someone said they were sick of it being acceptable to knock scousers 
Okay, how about this one?:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
.... ta da .... :?:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
.... ta da .... :?:
