Give me some dialogue from your day

[Baggy]

Me: "Look, Legs and Co have a brace of ferrets on their costumes"
..pause...
Chuffy (from kitchen): "Did you just say Legs and Co are in a forest, cottaging?"

 

[Crackle]

Son1: "Dad, can I leave the table?"
me:" Sure, where do you want to leave it?"
son1: "Are you gonna say that every time I ask?"
me: "It might keep me amused for a few more weeks"
son1: "I was going to leave it in the garden"
me: "Put it back for breakfast then"

 

[Dogberry]

Me (before conducting strip search)...Do you have anything on you that you shouldn't ?

Him: Nah mate.

Him: (Eventually removes very dirty looking under-kex revealing condom containing white powder)....What the ? How the f**k did that get there ?

Me: Why are you asking me that ?

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Me on telephone:

" Good morning..is your hoover still for sale as advertized in the paper?"

Delightful old widow:

" Yes dear, but you'll have to hurry up in case that horrible woman next door comes back again and takes it away"

 

[gbb]

Wife to me (recounting her day at school) 'did i tell you about blah blah'...she blah blah....then blah blah...)and so on for 5 minutes.
Me..'Hang on, you were telling me about blah blah, and now we've moved on, you still havn;t told me what exactly the point was.
Wife..'yes, i was getting to that'...'blah blah blah'
5 minutes later...Me..'you've done it again, you moved it on to another subject...i still don't know the first point and now youve started a third story...and i don't know the point of the second story either

Or perhaps i just wasnt listening carefully enough ?

 

[colly]

In from a ride and just sat down in.
Me: Be a love and get me a cup of tea, before it starts
mrs gets tea.
Me: How about something to eat before it starts?
mrs gets some sarnies organised
Me: and a bit of cake?
mrs gets cake.
Me: Could you get me the paper?
mrs gets paper
Me: How about my glasses?
Mrs: For God's sake can't you do anything for yourself? Do you think I don't have enough to do as it is? You go out for hours on that bloody bike I don't see you all weekend I'm left here to do everything myself and you come in plonk youself down and treat me like a damn skivvy my mother told me you were a selfish bugger and by Christ I wish I had listened to her I am sick and tired of being treated like this I work too you know and damn hard do I get any thanks no I don't you just...............
Me: Don't bother.............It's started.

 

[Arch]

Discussing with a colleague yesterday, an idea I had for using material recycled from old umbrellas, and what could be made from it. He said:

"You could make jackets for greyhounds, coz they are sort of the same shape."

I suggested he needed to look more closely at greyhounds....

(actually, when he explained what he meant it made more sense, but then it led to a hilarious idea of making wheeled fabric lightweight kennels that the dog pokes his head through one end and wheels along as he walks....)

 

[threebikesmcginty]

My boy: Oh but this toast it too buttery
Me: There's no such thing as too buttery
My boy: *sulk*

 

[subaqua]

Mech dept cockwomble "engineer": we need the power on to the pressurisation units on Monday as i have booked the commisioning engineer for then.
Me: right , not a problem if you let my tester have access to the plant room to test all the circuits on Friday as its going to take a day to test the DB
Mech dept cockwomble: no we need to be working in there till friday evening.
Me: what time does the Comm engineer arrive on Monday
MDC: 8am so you need to be tested by then
Me: have a think what you just said bearing in mind we can't get anybody to work weekends .
MDC : Oh , well thats not my problem just get it done, can always blame the useless sparks
Me: your lack of planning is not my emergency . if it doesn't go on you have to cough for the costs and explain why and i am NOT taking the responsibilty for your f**k ups.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Old dear Neighbour with new dog

" Good Morning! happy new year!"
Me.." happy new year to you to..new dog?"

Old dear "yes he's lovely isnt he?"

Me " erm...yeah...does he usually wee on your neighbours cars like that?"

 

[Lisa21]

Old dear Neighbour with new dog

" Good Morning! happy new year!"
Me.." happy new year to you to..new dog?"

Old dear "yes he's lovely isnt he?"

Me " erm...yeah...does he usually wee on your neighbours cars like that?"

Just think of the time he will save you washing it

Today:
My boss: will someone answer that F'in phone, why is it F'in ringing, I cant get to it in time, im VERY CROSS. Wheres lisa??? why the hell cant she she GET THE <<more swearing>> TELEPHONE
Me((whilst on phone)) Iv answered it, shoosh
My Boss;<<lots more swearing and random mutterings about useless staff>>
Person on other end of phone; oh no dear, are you having a bad day?

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Person on other end of phone; oh no dear, are you having a bad day?

wasn't his wife was it?

 

[Lisa21]

Ha Ha!! no, she was dragging him out of the kitchen yelling at him to " shut the " up"
eee its a madhouse there i tell thee..................

 

[MontyVeda]

me: Oh fer fecks sake!

...as I plugged in my new hi-fi amp, only to find that my old hi-fi amp wasn't dropping out on the LH channel on both tape inputs, but my PC is only putting sound out on the RH channel...

me: you bloody idiot!!

...as I realised i'd just spent £160 to replace a perfectly good amp when all i needed was a £10 sound card.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

Me: Hello
Him: Can I speak to Geraldine?
Me: No. Sorry. No one of that name lives here.
Him: Did she tell you to say that?
Me: Err... Um... No... I don't know anyone called Geraldine (not 100% true but given the context...)
Him: 01403 XXXXXX is the number I was given.
Me: Well that IS the number you've dialled but like I said...
Him: Put her on!
Me: I can't. You've got the wrong number.
Him: You just said it was your number your ****er. PUT HER ON.
Me: Bye! (hangs up)