Give me some dialogue from your day

[ColinJ]

Me: Can you tell me where the watch department is please?
Her: Over by the Wonder Room, but (looks me up and down) they are very expensive.
Me: That's good. I want to buy an expensive one.

Obviously my mix of paul smith, hillfiger, and church's didn't move her disposable income meter enough.

(That's the second time in a month a member of staff in Selfridges has been incredibly patronising to me. Last time they lost the sale of a made-to-measure suit; this time I had little choice, John Lewis don't carry male or unisex in the brand #1 son wants (is getting) for his birthday. House of Fraser didn't have the right one in stock.)

Oh, the classic 'went back to store staffed by patronising fools' error! (I only give people one chance and if they blow that, then they are 'off my Christmas card list' forever. ***)

Phone caller : Can you call round and give me a price for recovering my sofas ?
Me: Yes certainly what's the name and address ?
...

Most UK businesses are still in recession, but you're lucky - yours is in recovery!





*** It's a virtual list ... I don't actually send Christmas cards, but I maintain a list of people who would get cards if I did, solely so I can cross patronising fools off it!

 

[colly]

I am waiting for the person to ring on xmas eve who wants me to supply them with a laptop or tablet that no one has in stock because they have all sold out for xmas, then they would like me to spend my xmas installing all their software on it while they have a nice xmas off ................. happens almost every year and every year the answer is the same

Err ? Couldn't nip round and sort me something out could you ? Before Christmas like.

 

[ColinJ]

I am waiting for the person to ring on xmas eve who wants me to supply them with a laptop or tablet that no one has in stock because they have all sold out for xmas, then they would like me to spend my xmas installing all their software on it while they have a nice xmas off ................. happens almost every year and every year the answer is the same

"Show me the money first"?

 

[colly]

Most UK businesses are still in recession, but you're lucky - yours is in recovery!

You do have a coat Colin ?

 

[ColinJ]

You do have a coat Colin ?

Already on, and heading for the door ...

 

[phil_hg_uk]

"Show me the money first"?

Nope ................. 2 words and the last one is OFF ............... the days are gone when I will spend my holidays sorting out someone elses computer just because they cant be arsed to organise it during normal working hours ............ I dont mind if it is a genuine emergency but when they take the p*** they can sod off

 

[phil_hg_uk]

Err ? Couldn't nip round and sort me something out could you ? Before Christmas like.

 

[subaqua]

me: that was easy wasn't it. Why we got you here at 7am not 9am.
delivery driver: i would have prefered to do it at 4am
me: that would have been better for me too but i was told getting you in for 7am was a big problem and that was absolute earliest you would come
DD: lying fecking company

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Not quite dialogue, but it turns out the colleague I've been calling Sid for the last 18 months is actually called Simon & and I only found out when his wife called and asked to speak to Simon, and I told her nobody called Simon works here...

 

[Arch]

I see a ninja on a BMX riding towards me on the way home tonight. He neatly bunnyhops a big puddle just as we pass.

Me "Very clever, now get some lights!"
Him "F*** off!"

I hope the next bunnyhop goes wrong and lands him on his soggy arse.

 

[Night Train]

Me: Stop it! Look, just leave it alone! No, don't pick it up, just leave it! Just stand back will you. No! Stop touching and keep out the way. You're not making this any easier for me. Stand over there! No, you can't help. Look, just...Just...Just go and do something el....Don't stand over me, you're in the way...

Later...


Me: Dad, why is Mum like a cat?

Dad: What do you mean?

Me: I was trying to load the car with scrap metal and she was just constantly standing in the way, prodding stuff, moving things, pouncing on anything that dropped or moved and whenever I looked over my shoulder there she was. If she wasn't directly behind me when I backed up then she is standing where I am moving stuff to prodding and pawing at things.

Dad: Older Mums are like that, you can't avoid it.


Later on....

Mum: Do you need any help?

Me: No, I can manage.

Mum: If you need any help just ask.

Me: I don't need any help, I can manage ok on my own.

Mum: Well if you need any help do ask.

Me: I will ask but I don't need any help, I can do it.


Moments later....

[Mum is suddenly standing behind me]
Me: Wha..! What do you want, Mum?

Mum: Do you need any help?

Me: No Mum, I can manage.

Mum: Well if you need any help I can help you.

Me: I don't need any help Mum!

Mum: I can help you with that, it is heavy.

Me: No Mum, just get out of the way...

Mum: Do you need any help?

Me:

 

[Arch]

^^^^^Oh dear...

 

[gbb]

It's amazing how often this has happened over the years I've been working on machinery....
I have the covers off a 8ft high weighing machine and am peering inside, watching the way fruit is exiting and making sure its not giving under weights to the packing machines.
I've been watching for a few minutes, and one of the operators comes sauntering up and say..
'Theres something wrong with that machine'
I reply...'I know, that's why I'm here'
He says..'it keeps giving under weights'
I reply...' I know, that's why I'm here'
He says...'it's been doing it a lot'
Me to myself..grrrrrrr


Why do people do that, state the obvious, bother you while you're busy with inane useless comments....grrrr

 

[ComedyPilot]

Picture the scene, I am on my knees tending to the fire, and my daughter (4 1/2) is running around me like a howler monkey on speed (closest analogy I have for her mannerisms).

Roisin: Daddy do you want some lipstick?

Me: Darling, men don't wear lipstick...

Roisin: Of course they do...

[Roisin then grabs hold of my chin (note singular) and then applies a liberal coating of lip gloss (peach flavour, I think) and stands back to admire her handywork]

Roisin: There you go, you look pretty........just like a tiger

Me:.......????

 

[gbb]

To myself...
'haha haha hahaha '

One of those blurted outloud laughs that come from nowhere...
I was driving home after work at lunchtime, along the Forty Foot, the road follows a long, wide, desolate drain/watercourse, windswept by the fens...its very uninviting at this time of year, there's only a few houses along its 4 or 5 mile length. You do see occasional anglers in the summer, it'd be a very hardy man that fished at this time of year..its really is desolate, windswept, featureless, cold...just horrible...and dangerous. You need to concentrate when driving along it, two seconds, you'd be in the dyke.
So i'm driving along it...huh ? i can see in the distance someone sitting on the opposite bank...crikey, wouldnt fancy fishing today, too bloomin cold...i'm thinking to myself. As i got closer, he's wearing bright red ???...as i got alongside.....IT'S SANTA !!!!! sitting on a seat, fishing rod in hand, white beard flowing off his face, hand held up in a wave at me !!! (i could see the rod they'd used to hold his hand up there)

'haha haha hahaha '...'awesome, bloody brilliant'

I laughed for the next mile...Someone had made a fantastic effort, really good,.i so wished i had the opportunity to stop and get a photo, but its too dangerous...sad thing is, i always drive that road in the dark, i won't get another daytime drive up there for three weeks.