Give me some dialogue from your day

[gbb]

Its 16.58...i clock out at 17.00. Ive got my overalls off, the high viz is just coming off my back...and Simone comes in and says...
'I need your help on the labeller on Line 3'
...'Ok, i'll be there in a minute

He shows me the problem...
'Ive been trying to get it going....but i'm off home now ' he says

'Yeah, cheers for that '
(I left at 17.25)

 

[Andrew_Culture]

[phone call from distant sounding Indian gentleman]

Is this a business number?
- why?

Because your windows have serious troubles.
- I've shut the window now, so I can hear you.

I am calling from Windows online support, we need to help you fix the serious troubles with widows
- like Scottish Widows?

I am calling to fix very serious problems with your Microsoft windows
- which version?

All versions
- really? From 3.1 through NT to Win7 and even server 2008?

Yes, why are you smiling?
- you can't see me can you?

This is a very serious problem, your computers are downloading very bad viruses.
- what do you want me to do?

We need to fix your computers
- what's wrong with them? TCP-IP issues? Are there packet buffer overflow issues?

...
- I can continue to speak to you but I will have to report what we do to my friends at the Metropoliton Police central e-crime unit

Can I speak to your boss please?
- I am the IT manager, you can speak to me.

You are IT manager? Then you know you have problems.
- how do you know what computers we have if you didn't know if this was a business number?

We only get given numbers
- I can't be bothered with this any more

[call terminated]

 

[tadpole]

I’ve only managed to say the following once, and that was months ago but it was a hoot.
Sales caller using a Random call auto dialler, dialled our outgoing line (it’s a unlisted number, not even BT have it, as it is for outgoing calls in case the switchboard stops working)
I pick up phone.
Me “Stay on the line while we trace this call”
Caller: (Scottish accent) Sorry….
Me: please stay on the line
Caller: huh
Me: thank you, how long have you known the person you are calling?
Caller: What….
Me: how long have you…(interrupted)
Caller: I don’t know what you’re on about.
Me: You call the scene of a horrific mass murder and then claim you don’t know the people you are calling. Stay by the phone and I’ll send a couple of people to interview you, oh and don’t hang up.

I hang up as I just cannot stop myself from laughing, I just wonder did they sit there for seconds minutes or hours waiting for someone to come to talk to them or did they just think what a dick and forget the whole thing….
(Watched Columbo a few year back and saw him do this to a telephone sales man who eventually turned out to be the real killer)

 

[Andrew_Culture]

I’ve only managed to say the following once, and that was months ago but it was a hoot.
Sales caller using a Random call auto dialler, dialled our outgoing line (it’s a unlisted number, not even BT have it, as it is for outgoing calls in case the switchboard stops working)
I pick up phone.
Me “Stay on the line while we trace this call”
Caller: (Scottish accent) Sorry….
Me: please stay on the line
Caller: huh
Me: thank you, how long have you known the person you are calling?
Caller: What….
Me: how long have you…(interrupted)
Caller: I don’t know what you’re on about.
Me: You call the scene of a horrific mass murder and then claim you don’t know the people you are calling. Stay by the phone and I’ll send a couple of people to interview you, oh and don’t hang up.

I hang up as I just cannot stop myself from laughing, I just wonder did they sit there for seconds minutes or hours waiting for someone to come to talk to them or did they just think what a dick and forget the whole thing….
(Watched Columbo a few year back and saw him do this to a telephone sales man who eventually turned out to be the real killer)

There's a very long version of something like that on YouTube somewhere, very good!

 

[fimm]

Mum: So when are you going home.
Me: We're not going home till tomorrow, it is a Public Holiday in Scotland
Mum: You didn't tell me that
Me and Mr Fimm: Oh yes we did
Dad walks into the room.
Me: Dad did you know we're staying till tomorrow?
Dad: Yes I knew that.
Me: phew.
(The funniest thing is that it is usually my Dad who doesn't know what day of the week it is, and Mum who is organised... They're retired so having us for an extra night wasn't a big problem.)

 

[Arch]

Today, a colleague and I driving to a pick up, past a hairdressers for sale.

Me: Oh, look, Roy and Julio's is up for sale!
Him: Oh yes.
Me: Do you think they are retiring to sunnier climes?
Him: Maybe!
Me: Perhaps they are returning to Julio's home country...
<pause>
Him and Me simultaneously: ...Wales!

Why we both decided to joke Wales, I don't know, but it tickled us.

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Him - Somebody has nicked my docking station!

Me - But I can see it under your laptop...

Him (exasperated) - No you can't, I had a proper docking station!

Me - lift up your laptop...

Him - oh, I can't

Me - because it's attached to your docking station?

Him - It was a long weekend ...

 

[Sandra6]

Me (on noticing smallest child was in her pj's before tea - Why are you wearing your jammies?
Smallest child - My clothes got drenched.
Me - Where are your clothes now?
Smallest child - In my drawer.
Me (keeping my hands occupied so as not to wrap them round her neck) -Go upstairs and fetch them, and everything else that is now drenched in the drawer, down to be dried.
Smallest child (returning with just her tights) - It was only my tights that got wet.
Me - Then why are you in your jammies??
Smallest child just shrugs.

 

[Night Train]

At the carboot on Saturday...

Me: I'm being good. I didn't even buy those two winches I saw earlier.
Arch: I noticed. Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?

 

[Speicher]

A. N. Other

I have hurt my foot so I need to see the Choreographer next week.

 

[Speicher]

Oh, and from last Wednesday.

Her: Do you think you could calculate that for me?

Me: Not really, I am working on this database. Calculating the weight of a pom pom 14 feet in diameter, together with the amount of wool required, and deciding where and how to make it, is not at the top of my agenda.

Her: So you weren't expecting to get asked that then?

 

[slowwww]

Me to youngest child: Have you just broken your sister's necklace?
Z: no daddy!
Me: But I was in here when you walked in and it was fine then, and nobody else has been in here since
Z: (shrugs) - It wasn't me
Me: So the necklace was lying on the floor, and then just broke without anybody touching it?
Z: (brightens visibly) Yes daddy!! That's exactly how it happened!!

Note to self - sarcasm doesn't work on 5 year-olds. Try again in a few years time

 

[Globalti]

Undercover Nigerian traffic warden on bridge, hurriedly cramming his official beret on his head and clipping his ID badge to his shirt:

"Sah, you are not allowed to stop here on de bridge, you must pay a fine!"

My agent, winding down the window and giving the poor bloke both barrels:

"Look my friend, it's not my farking fault my farking car done quenched right on your bridge!"

;

 

[TVC]

The cat walks into the room, stands right in front of me, lets out an enormous squeaky fart, looks disgusted, turns round and walks out the room.

Me: Thanks.

 

[gbb]

Did this one a long time ago, but it had the desired effect...
Phoned up a local hydraulics company i knew well.
'Hiya Nick, ive got a valve in front of me, i need one ASAP'
'What make Colin ?, Got a part number ?
'Nah, no manufacturer, but there's some numbers on it, got a pen ?'
'Yeah, go ahead'
'Right, it starts BO, then 440, i assume thats the coil voltage, then CK5'
'Doesnt ring any bells, i;ll see what i can find '
;'Cheers Nick, let me know'

So i sat back, sniggering....BO44OCK5....

The days passed, i forgot about it.....
The phone rings...
'Colin' (as i always answered my phone)
'You b'stard ...3 days ive been looking for that valve for you , ive rang round, searched umpteen catalogues, i just sat here, looking at that number Noooooooo...you b'stard ....they're all ripping the pee out of me here....b'stard'

'