Give me some dialogue from your day

[Andy_R]

In Tesco's, near fruit and veg, me and son. Rather attractive young lady nearby

Small boy pointing at young woman, quite loud voice as most young boys do "Dad, look at her melons. They're really big."
Me trying not to giggle "They're watermelons"
Cue young lady blushing furiously.

 

[marinyork]

At about 9:30am yesterday
Shopper: Where are the tills and the way out?
A. Hello. Down there (points).
Shopper: I mean why isn't anyone there? It seems deserted.
A. Ah. Because we aren't allowed to sell anything till 10am.
Q. Eh?
A. Because we aren't allowed to sell anything till exactly...
Q (cuts in). Yes I heard, I haven't got time for that I mean why isn't it open?
A. You probably have got time. As I was saying ... because we aren't allowed to open till exactly 10am by Sunday trading legislation as we are bigger than 280 square metres as you can see. So unfortunately you have to wait.
Q. SO WHY IS THE SHOP "OPEN"?
A. For "browsing" before paying at 10am. But you can't pay before 10am.
Q. Eh? What ARE YOU on about?
A. The idea is to look around and by the time you get to the tills you can pay, thus saving some customers a bit of time. Of course that works better if you want to buy many things of if you don't buy many things you come in later.
Q. Yes, but I only want to buy one item.
A. Yes.
Q. I didn't know.
**awkward pause**

 

[Crackle]

Imperious middle class woman with loud voice: Is this honey organic?
Me: pfffffffffffftttttttttttt <cough>, <cough>, turns away
Honey seller: Well madam........
Me: Imagines bee keeper doing a little dance to show the bees which flowers to go to and which to avoid.

 

[ufkacbln]

In the pub at lunchtime and a very elderly lady with kyphosis walked form the toilets back to her table. She was bent forward on her zimmer frame and almost horizontal at the neck, but coping well.

Young child watching her earnestly, turned to her parents and in the innocent voice that children always manage to make so loud that everyonre hears it said

Look Mummy - Someone has folded that lady!

 

[TVC]

From the other side of the shop floor:

Anne - Why don't you p*** off Mick, I'm F******* sick of you, just get out of my F****** sight, go away, GO AWAY! I'll F****** swing for you, I'm so p***** off. GO AWAY NOW!!!

Me (thinks) Hmm, Anne is a little grumpy today.

 

[perplexed]

The other weekend, at breakfast in a B&B due to me riding in a local sportive. The bike was propped up in the dining room of said B&B (at landlady's invite)...

Me: "Mornin'..."
Landlady: "Morning, did you sleep well?"
Me: "Oh yes, thanks..."
Landlady: "I was just admiring your bike, it looks very fast."
Me: "Oh, er, thanks, well I try to pedal it fast anyway!"
Landlady: " Ooh, I'm sure you do...Er, I was looking at the tyres. They're very thin aren't they?"
Me: "I guess so. The idea is to make them thin and reasonably light so they roll faster."
Landlady: "I notice that it says "Gatorskin" on the side. Do they really make them out of alligator skin because it's strong?"
Me: (Trying not to gag on coffee) "Er no, they're just called that, they're just a slightly thicker compound of rubber!"
Landlady: "Ah..."

True story!

 

[gbb]

Rafi walks up to me just after dinner break...he looks a little odd.
'Be seeing you Col, i'm off'..he says as he offers his hand to shake.

My minds racing...have they laid him off, has he had enough and told them to stuff it ?

I replied...
'Where you going ?'

'Ahh, they're quiet today so they said i can go early'

He is a very polite fella, we get on well. I got that one wrong, i thought by his demeanour, he was off PERMANENTLY.

 

[redcard]

Older lady out on Sunday morning, probably before Church: ohhhhh, that's the first time i've passed a roadie!

Me, pushing myself along : I've got a puncture.

Older Lady: ohh,,, .*rides off..*

 

[Deleted member 20519]

I was just pushing my bike into the local Morrisons, the bike stand outside isn't very secure and it's one of the ones where you can only lock up your front wheel so I like to leave my bike locked up in the corner of the Morrisons. Two little girls walked up to me (they must have been around 7) -

Girl - The bike stand's outside
Me - Yeah, I know. It's not very secure though...
Girl - Ohhh... that's my scooter out there, don't steal it!
Me - Don't worry, I won't!

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Councillor A. "I want to know what you're doing about all goings on at XXXXXX "
Me "I haven't had a single report of activity up there since I arrived 8 months ago. Are you telling me it's still an issue?"
Cllr A. When I drove to work and back last year there were men parked in the lay-by. It was obvious what was going on."
Cllr B "I think it's disgusting."
Me "What is?"
Cllr B "What was going on. "
Me. "What, you mean men meeting men to have sex? Do you think nightclubs are disgusting?"
Cllr B "What are you on about."
Me. "People meet in clubs to have sex."
Cllr B "that's different."
Me "Really? Have you had any reports from members of the public of any people committing acts in public view that would be against the law?"
Cllrs A and B "No."
Me "Then when I do I shall consider acting. Until then I can't really react to reports of men parked in laybys now can I?"
Cllr B "You're not taking this seriously are you?"
Me "I am duty bound to react to reports of offences taking place. Men meeting other men is not against the law. I'm not going to divert resources away from real priorities based on what you or others think is going to take place between consenting adults at some point in the future."
Cllr A "Should I ask my residents to take pictures of the cars?"
Me "What for?"
Cllr A "So you can make a record of who goes there."
Me "Why would I want a record of them?"
Cllr B "Because they must be breaking some law, surely?"
Me "No, consenting sex between adult men has been lawful for quite a while now."
Cllr A "Should we write their numbers down then?"


........... this exchange continued for another couple of minutes before I lost patience and appealed to the chair to make them carry the discussion on by means other than a public meeting. In case it isn't obvious, the meeting place they described is a layby on a country lane at least half a mile from the nearest dwelling. It is near to a once famous dogging site which has since been made inaccessible. Since it was made inaccessible the meeting has moved to this layby. There is a suggestion that some of the men go into some woods away from the road, but as those woods are privately owned and have no rights of way through them, and the owner hasn't made any complaints, there is no reason for any form of intervention. Incident analysis shows that the road they meet on has not had a single call for service since the current recording system went live three years ago. What took me by a little bit of a surprise is that although the original dogging site lies within their parish, the current layby does not. Nor is it in my ward!

Gawd!

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Good place to work VC ?...all the rewinders (errr, thats three) i ever dealt with all seemed really relaxed places, they were always chatty and good humoured.

Mine today..
While stood chatting with a guy about the football, he threw in something along the lines of...
'I know i'm a United supporter, but...'
I butt in...'ah well, we've all got our crosses to bear'

Just to pipe up needlessly - I sell rewinders for a living, different type though

 

[Deleted member 20519]

Kids, they must have been about 12/13 -

Boy - Look at that *** with the gay shorts

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Kids, they must have been about 12/13 -

Boy - Look at that *** with the gay shorts

I know it is difficult at your age, when you need to "belong", but sometimes being the odd one out is the only way to make yourself happy.
Anyway, you should hear my colleagues when I turn up in bright tomato red waterproof trousers

 

[Arch]

Me: Damn!
Colleague: What is it?
Me: I'm trying to get this into the hole, but it keeps going floppy....
Colleague:

(I was trying to feed a wooden bar through the loops on the bags we use on the recycling truck, but the furthest loop kept flopping away from me)

 

[Cubist]

Mrs Vexed " the people that live in that council bungalow were out in the street shouting and arguing. I told my husband to listen out for obscene language."
Me "and were they using any?"
Vexed "My daughter was in bed, but they didn't wake her fortunately."
Me "That was fortunate."
Vexed "Some armed police arrived and arrested two of them at gunpoint."
Me "And you could see all of this from the bedroom?"
Vexed "Will you be moving them out of the bungalow now?"
Me "it's not really up to me who lives where."
Vexed "Really? They aren't suitable neighbours you know."
Me "But they were the victims last night."
Vexed "It's a good job Imogen's harp teacher is on holiday."
Me "Harp teacher?"
Vexed "If she wasn't we'd have been getting out of the car when he drew the sword. Imogen has a harp lesson on wednesday but the teacher is on holiday."
Me "Ah, I see."
Vexed " I'm taking Imogen to school this morning so I'll have to go. "
Me "Thanks for the call."
Vexed "So can we expect you to move them out of the bungalow?"


half an hour later

Local primary school head "Morning Inspector Cubist"
Me "morning local primary school head."
Head "what was going on over the road last night then?"
Me "I'll tell you over a coffee if you have an hour?"
Head "Blimey. Mrs Vexed has just been bending my ear about it."
Me "You and me both then. What did she say?"
Head "She asked what we were going to do about the family at the council bungalow."
Me "I bet you pretended to be powerless to move families out of council properties didn't you!"
Head "Funny you should say that. Kettle's on."
Me "Don't suppose she told you where Imogen's harp teacher went on holiday did she?"
Head "harp teacher?"