Give me some dialogue from your day

[ufkacbln]

My elderly MiL is virtually blind and especially has difficulty when changing from bright to dark

This afternoon we went into a pub, and there were a couple who had a rather nice dog.

Asked them if they would mind MiL stroking dog, and they agreed

So she went over and started stroking dog.

Then commented because it didn't have very thick fur

"That's because you are stroking my Husband's leg!"

 

[gbb]

Before we visited my mum, my wife said...
'And leave her ginger nuts alone for once will you'

We arrived, I made tea for us all as usual...and helped myself to ginger nuts....as usual. I noticed mum had overfilled the biscuit barrel which left the lid slightly open.

I walked into the room with tea...and was still munching biscuits
wife...
'Youve been at the biscuits havnt you'
'I have and i saved the day...everyone will thank me later'
'Oh well, hows that work then '
'Mums overfilled the barrel, they'd have all gone soft if i hadnt eaten the top ones, now the lid closes, the rest will keep fresh now'
'..i did over fill it'..mum said.
'Youve got a nerve' said my wife

Mum doesnt mind she stocks up for us.
My sisters husband likes gingernuts as well...i once opened the barrel to find a note from her, it read....
'ONE only, the rest are Jims'

 

[Profpointy]

Colleague: I see you are in your Bagpuss outfit today
Me: Bagpuss??
Him: Yes, Bagpuss
Me <looks at bright pink fleece with white stripes>: Oh, yes. I see what you mean. Do you know, I'd never noticed...
(I went and looked at Google images afterwards. It is very like Bagpuss...)

Rather better than the line I once got from a Finish colleague. I'd turned up for work admittedly a bit more dishelvelled than usual, and he, struggling for the phrase said "you look like a... um... park man" Oh dear !

 

[Thomk]

Last night during "family film" Liar Liar:

Film Character - "Having sex..."
Daughter 1 (9yo) - What did he say?
Daughter 2 (8yo) - Having sex!
Daughter 1 - What does that mean? Oh I know, it means mating!
Daughter 2 - What's mating?
Daughter 1 - I've seen frogs mating, one climbs on top of the other. You need to mate to have a baby!
Daughter 2 - Did you and dad mate when you had me?
Daughter 1 - (To mum) you must have done it twice because you had 2 children!!

Hysterical laughter...

 

[gbb]

I love it when you see the cultural or language differences that seem quirky..
My former Danish colleafue once said...when describing someone silly ....
'He's got breadsticks for brains'...

He seemed to find this particually funny and started uncontrollably laughing.
..hahaha, hahaha, ahahahahaha

Me....

 

[ufkacbln]

Years ago, with friends:

Young son .... Daddy what is a condom?
Silence
Young son .... Daddy what is a condom?
Dad.... Why are you asking?
Young son ... They mentioned them at School
Dad.... They are something that men wear
Young Son... All the time?
Dad....No, just sometimes
Young Son.... Are you wearing one now?
Dad.... No, just sometimes
Young Son.... When are you next going to wear one?

Dad looked at wife, who winked.......

At which point the polite sniggering turned into uncontrollable laughter, eyes sreaming and one young lad who did not understand why what he had asked was so funny

 

[machew]

Eurostar: I understand you suffer from diabetes Mr XXXXX
My dad: No
Eurostar: Oh, it says here that you do
My dad: No, I don't suffer from it...
Eurostar: Right so you don't have diabetes?
My dad: No, I do have it...
Eurostar: Right, ok so you do suffer from diabetes?
My dad: No
Eurostar: ...?!
My dad: I don't 'suffer' from it...but I do have it. Ok?
Eurostar: Ok, right...so you suffer from diabetes..
My dad: No

 

[perplexed]

Overheard in a café the other day - two young waitresses...

W1: 'How did you get on with your driving test?'

W2: 'Oh, I failed...It was put down as a 'minor' though.'

W1: 'You're the same as me - I failed my first test on a 'minor' too.'

W2: 'What was your 'minor?'

W1: 'I reversed into a bin lorry...'

(Much stifled mirth from me and Mrs. P...)

 

[swee'pea99]

Overheard while out wi' t'hound:

"Is this the short cut, Daddy?"
"No - it's the long cut."

 

[ClichéGuevara]

In Tesco, two women mulling over the various toilet cleaning chemicals, such as harpic, domestos etc couldn't make their minds up, until one of them decided they should "just get the bog standard one".

I seemed to be the only one that thought it was funny.

 

[swee'pea99]

In Tesco, two women mulling over the various toilet cleaning chemicals, such as harpic, domestos etc couldn't make their minds up, until one of them decided they should "just get the bog standard one".

I seemed to be the only one that thought it was funny.

Shortly after reading this I was out walking t'hound and suddenly thought 'I really need to get some new boots - these are on their last legs.'

 

[Lullabelle]

It is a bit of a standing joke at work about me not doing much cooking, only do very basic stuff etc.. this afternoon my boss and our colleague were talking about peeling veg etc..

My boss: come on Lou, even YOU must have peeled a potato at some point

Me:

That really tickled me

 

[annedonnelly]

Not actual dialogue, but an e-mail received this morning:

I can't wait!

 

[perplexed]

The scene - it's about 2200, I'm out with my camera. Taking some outside shots of a couple of buildings (interesting lights, stonework, and I'm tinkering to get used to manual settings). I'm in a car park, with a large lens and a bloody great tripod.

A middle aged couple walk past.

Woman: 'Is that a camera?'

Me: 'Yes, indeed...'

Woman 'Who are you taking pictures of?' (Camera is pointed at buildings, opposite direction to her)

Me: 'Nobody - I'm getting the effects of the lights at night on the stone'.

At this point it is becoming evident that she thinks the only point to photography is to take pictures of yourself or your mates either pouting or sticking your tongue out, conveyed by the look she had on her face which expressed the opinion that I was a dangerous lunatic).

Woman: 'I think you're up to something'

Me: 'Really?'

Woman: 'You're a private detective...'

I glanced at the large pile of kit I had, in clear, unsubtle, most unlike private detective view.

Me: 'I'm fairly obviously not...'

Woman totters off...

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

My Mrs just now.

"I want to ring the Podiatrist. Must keep her on her toes"

I laughed then she got it