Give me some dialogue from your day

[stephec]

Mrs Stephec is holding up my jumper that's just been washed -

That stain's not come out on the front

I'll put some tippex on it then

You can't do that, the jumper's cream not white

 

[GrumpyGregry]

On trying to determine if it is safe to go out on the ice....

Me: So how do you tell if the ice is thick enough to walk or skate or ski on?
Her: You take an ice pick and try to make a hole in the ice. If it is at least 10mm thick it is safe.
Me: And if it isn't that thick?
Her: You will already be in the freezing water. That is no good. You will try to go back the way you came. But it is insane to smash thin ice with a pick. Why would you even consider such a thing? Insane!

 

[Lullabelle]

This morning I was in reception sorting out the coffee pot ready for when our visitors arrived, the MD popped his head around the door and asked if the pot was on, it wasn't so he asked 'would you mind, I am dying for 1' so the pot was switched on. A short while later when our visitors turned up, they said hello I would love 1 thanks. . I didn't even offer them a coffee, cheeky

 

[Arjimlad]

In what universe/galaxy/time system is 1st December 2015 less than 21 days before 18th January 2016 ?

According to the County Court.

 

[ColinJ]

Friend in Hebden Bridge: Are you going out on your bike today?

ColinJ in Todmorden (4.5 miles to the west): No - the westerly winds are far too strong. Gusts of 45-50 mph would make it unsafe on the bike, and in between the gusts, steady 20-25 mph winds would be really hard work.

Friend: That's odd - I am looking at the bush in front of my house and it isn't blowing about at all.

ColinJ: That might be because of the little thing to your west.

Friend: Er, you know my awful sense of direction ... Which direction is west?

ColinJ: Open your front door, step out, turn right, and stare at the hill 50 feet away, towering 500 feet above you ...

Friend: Okay, and ...

ColinJ: And THAT is the little thing to your west!

 

[Profpointy]

I volunteer at a project based in a local museum. The staff are busy preparing for a big exhibition about Gertrude Bell who was a contemporary of Lawrence of Arabia. The exhibition involves borrowing exhibitions from other museums...

Staff member: "Have you seen Lawrence's head dress?"

A pause...

"It looks just like a tea towel!"

was it Ok after it was dried out again?

 

[Sandra6]

Me- switch this rubbish off. ( this morning had 3 men on discussing their tiny appendages)
Daughter(13- off sick) - keep your willies to yourself
:-)

 

[Hover Fly]

Moon Bunny, to one of her comedy acquaintances: "I'd like to do a long tour, but it's hard juggling the twins..."

 

[colly]

Me- switch this rubbish off. ( this morning had 3 men on discussing their tiny appendages)
Daughter(13- off sick) - keep your willies to yourself
:-)

Yebbut............. we have women talking about their bits all the time on the likes of Women's Hour. And anyway if they have such tiny ones I'm sure thats all they do..................... keep them to themselves.

 

[Drago]

" Go and collect the drugs from the evidence locker, and bring them straight back here."

20 minutes later to my colleague as we're we're having breakfast at the local greasy spoon...

"How quickly did the Boss want that gear brought over?"

 

[Crackle]

Son: Lefty loosy, righty tighty..
Me: Wot!
Son: left loosy, righty tighty
Me: Really?
son: Yeah
me: You still need to say this at 16: How has it come to this?
Son: It works
Me: You know you're loosening that, not tightening it, don't you?
Son: Oh.

 

[gbb]

Me to colleague as we're repairing a multi sectioned conveyor.
'Bstads, they've built this in sections then welded it all up without any consideration of how you're supposed to get access to the bearings.
Colleague....
'They've stitched us up good and proper'

5 hours to replace a bearing. Disc cutters, crowbars, a full tool kit and 2 men to replace a £20 bearing. .

As we were working, the other side of the conveyor system was still In operation. A lady packing on it occasionally gave the top of the belt a thump..which i thought was odd.
As we were wrapping up she did it again...I looked at her and asked ..
'Why ? ' (a simply put question because most of them speak little or no English)
She put a finger to her ear..listen...i could hear the squeel of a dry bearing (correctly so). in one of many rollers..she hit the conveyor belt and the squeel instantly stopped. It must have been driving her nuts
'Aha, two minutes' and off i went to get some ptfe dry lube.

We left happy, she was happy, conveyors are AOK...till the next time.

 

[Profpointy]

Me to colleague as we're repairing a multi sectioned conveyor.
'Bstads, they've built this in sections then welded it all up without any consideration of how you're supposed to get access to the bearings.
Colleague....
'They've stitched us up good and proper'

5 hours to replace a bearing. Disc cutters, crowbars, a full tool kit and 2 men to replace a £20 bearing. .

As we were working, the other side of the conveyor system was still In operation. A lady packing on it occasionally gave the top of the belt a thump..which i thought was odd.
As we were wrapping up she did it again...I looked at her and asked ..
'Why ? ' (a simply put question because most of them speak little or no English)
She put a finger to her ear..listen...i could hear the squeel of a dry bearing (correctly so). in one of many rollers..she hit the conveyor belt and the squeel instantly stopped. It must have been driving her nuts
'Aha, two minutes' and off i went to get some ptfe dry lube.

We left happy, she was happy, conveyors are AOK...till the next time.

did you weld ot up again?

Bear in mind if you made access easy for next time, the person fixing it then will only take 10 minutes, and management will think you were useless.in comparison. Guess how I know this? (different trade -.programming - but same principle)

 

[vernon]

Mrs Vernon to younger son: "Next time I go out with the book club we're going to eat at Bill's"

Younger son to Mrs Vernon: "Do they serve duck?"

Mrs Vernon to younger son: "I don't think so, its more....." spotting the wind up...."You can pack that in! I get enough of that humour from your dad!"

Me, silently to myself: "That's my boy!"

 

[vernon]

Me: "Are you coming out for a meat feast at Smoke next week?"

Colleague: "Yes, I think so. Oh, by the way, I won't be able to make it to your leaving do"

Me: "What leaving do?"

Colleague: "Whoops!"