Give me some dialogue from your day

[ufkacbln]

My wife is in a powered wheelchair, and when busy my visually impaired 90 year old MiL holds on to the back to avoid problems with crowds

Going through Cambridge this woman comes up and berates us over how cruel we are making her push the heavy chair

I could have explained that it was powered...

However it was far more fun...

"We have to use a pensioner these days as the Social Workers stopped us using the Childen"

The woman was almost purple in the face as we left

 

[marknotgeorge]

After we quite coincidentally met Mum and Dad in Aldi and the girls had put the chocolate I was going to buy on the conveyor:
'Do you feel like you've been mugged?'
'Yes!'

 

[gbb]

Its the Xmas peak at work, this weekend is the busiest of the year, keeping all you folks supplied with M&S grapes and citrus, machinery is going flat out.
A citrus bagger has an electical problem I'm working on, it's temporarily out of action. Im approached by the floor supervisor...
'Colin, I need you on the flow wrapper'
'Yannis is under pressure with this bagger...' I reply.
'The flow wrap line is just going to break, have a look for me, this line is ok, it can wait.'

So off I trot to the wrapper line and begin a repair there. At one stage I return to the workshop to get some sparea for the repair. Im seen by the floor manager (not supervisor)...
'Colin, you're needed on the citrus bagger'
'I know, I was asked to leave that to do this'
'Nah, leave this and do the bagger...its more important'

'No problem, i don't mind which'....and trot off to give the wrapping line staff the news
Blind leading the blind, left hand right hand, take your pick......just keep smiling

 

[Houthakker]

Last night at the firms Christmas party, talking to one of the girls about a new starter with the firm,
Me - Which one is is he? (There were several new starters there)
Girl - Thats him over there
Me - he's the Irish one isn't he?
Girl - I don't know, I've only emailed him and he didn't sound Irish on the e-mail!

 

[ScotiaLass]

Me: If David Tennant turns up at the door on xmas day, all bets are off and I'll just say, "see ya guys!'

AS son: Hmmm. You love him don't you?

Me: Yes.

AS son: But does he know you can't have babies as you don't have the required parts anymore?

Me: Son, I don't want anymore babies....

As son: If you don't want babies with him then why.......oh!!!!

Me: <grin>

I have left him with that thought for the rest of the day

 

[Arjimlad]

Me riding along in Santa costume: Have you all been good girls ?

Group of morning-after the hen party revellers: No, we've been debauched bitches.

Me: Carry on then !

 

[GrumpyGregry]

Me: "Hi Kieran, Merry Christmas mate!"
Him: "Hi Greg, Merry Christma- what the hell is that?" (points at my Big Dummy)
Me: "My new car!"

 

[gbb]

Simoni, machine operator, the bane of our lives, always twiddling and tweeking the machine settings trying to improve output...until he messes it up and we lose ALL output. Then we have to get involved, basically doing his job.
I'm walking into the workshop, he comes stomping out...
'Ah Colin, you can have a look at the machine for me....the film is all to one side, i don't understand, He (the engineering manager who he's just left) is getting on at me accusing me of changing things, but i havn't touched anything...i can't even talk to him '

'C'mon then bud, lets have a look'

I walk in, the film is indeed all over to one side when it should be central on the machine
i instantly say...
'No wonder, you've got the film reel mounted off centre, you need to move it over.'

Simoni wandered off, chuntering something or other, not pleased he's just been caught out...again, especially after getting all gobby with the engineering manager

 

[grumpyoldwoman]

Car Driver - are you alright,m'love?
Me (on the ground,half in a puddle,bike a few feet away) Yeh,think so,thanks. Is my bike ok?
CD - Never mind your bike,are you hurt?
Me - My pride is a little dented,my knees are sore and so is my wrist.
CD - You didn't bang your head?
Me - No,honest I'm ok.....I think
CD Come here,let me help you to stand,you got far to go?
Me - just over the bridge to the train station.
Gets back on my bike after checking she's ok,Car Driver watches to make sure I'm ok.
Aaaarggghhh,I've taken that kerb 4 or 5 days a week for months and never had a problem! Today it decided to rise up and chuck me off my bike!!!!!
What a lovely car driver. Thank you whoever you are,not many would've bothered like you did!

 

[Chromatic]

Simoni, machine operator, the bane of our lives, always twiddling and tweeking the machine settings trying to improve output...until he messes it up and we lose ALL output. Then we have to get involved, basically doing his job.
I'm walking into the workshop, he comes stomping out...
'Ah Colin, you can have a look at the machine for me....the film is all to one side, i don't understand, He (the engineering manager who he's just left) is getting on at me accusing me of changing things, but i havn't touched anything...i can't even talk to him '

'C'mon then bud, lets have a look'

I walk in, the film is indeed all over to one side when it should be central on the machine
i instantly say...
'No wonder, you've got the film reel mounted off centre, you need to move it over.'

Simoni wandered off, chuntering something or other, not pleased he's just been caught out...again, especially after getting all gobby with the engineering manager

Re your sig line, if I was the boss I'd sack Simoni

 

[Scoosh]

Me (on the ground,half in a puddle, bike a few feet away) Yeh,think so,thanks. Is my bike ok?

Another one drawn into the web

Glad you are OK @grumpyoldwoman and you've surely got the bug !

 

[grumpyoldwoman]

Another one drawn into the web

Glad you are OK @grumpyoldwoman and you've surely got the bug !

Lol,I'll heal free of charge,my bike would cost to fix!

 

[Elswick Cotterpin]

Went to see my old Dad at the care home this morning, he said 'the memory man was here yesterday', so I said, 'how did that go?' and he said, 'I can't remember...'

 

[pplpilot]

Sat with my daughters ( 2 and 4 yo ) in a cafe this morning. 4 Noisy yoofs on the next table, air was blue with language, various folk tutting rolling eyes...

Me: c'mon lads, keep the language decent, impressionable ears here...
Chav #1 : f@&k off....
Me: ahhh bless him, all tough and hard because his mommy bought him a chav starter kit from santa
Chavs #2 3 and 4: burst into fits of laughter...
Chav #1 : flounces to the door...

 

[vernon]

As I walked into Cockburn's butchers in Bedale...

Butcher: Welcome back. Here for pies?

Me: Oh yes! What have you got?

Butcher: Pork and black pudding, pork and stuffing, pork and caramelised onion, pork and chirizo, just pork, pork and cranberry, pork and mushy peas, pork and game, pork, pickle and cheese, pork and bacon...

Me: I don't know what to leave out!

I left laden with an ample sample of their wares.