Give me some dialogue from your day

[subaqua]

back in work after 10 days off

Me: are subcontractorX on site now
colleague : No
Me: have all the lights been finished then
colleague:No
me : who is doing them
colleague: Guess

 

[perplexed]

Me on the phone to the garage:

Me: I need to book my car in for a service and MOT please.
Garage: Yes sir, would you like a price for that?
Me: (Already knew the price for an MOT and basic service, but thought I'd check...) Yes please.
Garage: MOT is £50, and the budget services start at £99.
Me: Ok, what's the full range of service costs if they start at £99?
Garage: Well, the manufacturer's scheduled service for your vehicle is £550...
Me: .....How much!!!???......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Garage: £550.
Me: Er, budget service please. (My car is very low mileage for year...)
Garage: Right (after sorting dates) that's you all booked in sir, thank you.
Me: Puts phone down and tries not to have a little cry...

 

[Nigel-YZ1]

Advice given to me on occasion of a network server being a touch on the slow side:

"You can only **** with the prick that you've got!"

 

[Crackle]

Mrs Crackle: That's infected
Me: Are you sure?
Mrs C: Yes, what did you do?
Me: Well I was just cutting some dead skin off because it was irritating. I didn't know about the blister underneath.
Mrs C: And what were you using?
Me: My swiss army knife.
Mrs C: So you cut open a blister on your foot, which wasn't clean, with a knife you last used, for what, digging in the garden?
Me: No, I think I cut up an apple with it
Mrs C: And before that, no don't answer, who did you feed the apple too, no, don't answer that either. It's infected and you need anti-biotics.
Me: Do you think I can cycle on it tomorrow?
Mrs C: Given that you can't even walk on it now and the anti-biotics need 24 hrs, what do you think
Me: hmmm, we're going mtn biking on Saturday
Mrs C: Well me and the boys are, you might be checking the cafe out.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Me: Well I was just cutting some dead skin off because it was irritating...
Mrs C: And what were you using?
Me: My swiss army knife.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

[Crackle]

Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Exactly, I thought so too.

 

[subaqua]

witnessed this on a generator test today over the site radios

AP1 : I have turned the MCCB supplying the panel off, can youi confirm the generator is running
Trainee AP : Generator is confirmed as NOT running. theres a red flashing light on it though.

5 of us use the goods lift ( supplied by the back up Generator) to go to the roof Generator. the generator is running as we can see the smoke from the flue.

AP2 : TAP , where are you.
TAP: in the Multi storey carpark , WHY ?

thats going to cost a few breakfasts

 

[asterix]

I know lots of gossip about people. But not anyone you'd know.

 

[Shaun]

"What is your age?"
"43"
"And what is the first line of your address and your post code?"
"*********"
"And what is your mother's maiden name?"
"******"
"Hold for a monent please Mr. Shaun"

Silence .............

"Hello Mr. Shaun"
"Hello"
"I just need to do some security checks"
"Haven't we just done that?"
"What is your age?"
"I've already told you."
"Yes, but please answer. What is your age?"
"43"
"And what is your mother's maiden name?"
"I've already told you that as well."
"Yes, but I have to ask security questions if I am to help you. What is your mother's maiden name?"
"******"
"Very good Mr. Shaun. One moment please whilst I check your account."

Silence .............

"Hello again Mr. Shaun"
"Hello" <getting a bit exasperated>
"Hello. I just need to ask a couple of security questions to access your account."
"We've already done this twice and you have all of the information you need."
"Well I need to ask the questions in order to check your account."
"But you've already asked me. Twice. And you have kept me waiting twice as well."
"Yes but without the questions I cannot help you."
"Oh okay, okay, go ahead."
"Can I please ask what is your age?"

Click .... <decides to go to the branch at lunchtime. It'll be much easier.>

It was. Sorted in less than two mins.

 

[Dave Davenport]

On coming out of the club run tea stop to find it's raining;

Graham (having trouble getting the jacket out of his jersey pocket): 'Can you get my thing out for me?'
Me: 'Would you like to rephrase that?'

 

[Mr Phoebus]

Me: You know when I got the vac out yesterday and did that far hallway.
Scheme Warden: Yes.
Me: Well, it just cut straight out on me. I thought the fuse had gone
so I flicked the switch on the vac to turn it to the off position before I unplugged it.
It actually was already off, so what I did was to switch it back on working again.
SW: Oh, strange?
Me: Today, in the same spot, the open fire door slammed behind me with a crash
making me jump out of my skin. It had somehow become disengaged from the locking system.
SM: Oh, that's it then, that's George.
Me: Who's George?
SM: He died here in that very area three years ago. He's ever so mischievous. Don't worry though, he won't hurt you. (then goes on to tell me various tales)
Me: shoot! I really wish you hadn't have said anything.

 

[qwiksilver]

Mrs Q: Will you PLEASE put the toilet seat down after you have been!!!!
Me: Sure honey so long as you put it up after you have been (singgering as i know whats comming)
Mrs Q:....(pauses a moment) WHY would i do that for F***S sake????
Me:...(laughing quite a bit now) Well why would i put it down then???
Mrs Q: Look thats not the point just put the F***king seat down after you've been!!!
Me: So what is the point your asking me to do you a favor and put the toilet seat down after i have been so im asking for a favor in return and that is to put the seat up after you have been thats not unreasonable is it???
Mrs Q: (again pauses a momnet) YES IT IS!!!!
Me: Why (PMSFL by now as shes becoming quite irate).
Mrs Q: Storms off in huff.

Why is it that men are expected to put the seat down yet women don't think they should put it up?
BTW it was my son who left it up. lmao

 

[Archie_tect]

O2 sales: I'll just put you on hold while I speak to my supervisor......................................................
Me: No, please don...
O2 sales: ..................................................................................................................

 

[lewjamben]

Why is it that men are expected to put the seat down yet women don't think they should put it up?
BTW it was my son who left it up. lmao

Your son? That means the male:female ratio in your house is in your favour. Seat should be in the up position!

 

[GrasB]

Guy: Get a proper bike you w**ker! You stupid to make a bike right?
Woman: SHUT UP! You're just jealous that there's more balls on that bike than a gay porn film.
Me: (thinks: this could get ugly) *exit stage left at warp 9.9*