Give me some dialogue from your day

[KEEF]

Why did you not put store 527 on the delivery vehicle?" Its not on to days schedule " Did you read my memo stating it is scheduled to have an extra delivery today " Yes " So why did you leave it in the Depot?..........................." Its not on to days schedule "

 

[MikeW-71]

Boss: The f***ing thing isn't dead!
Kelle: Has that thing not zapped it then?
Boss: It can't have, the little b'stard is still moving.
Kelle: So, what you've actually bought there, is a sunbed for flies.

 

[Ganymede]

Man from Yodel (sweating, with parcel): Is this for you?
Me: Er, no, it is for "Shangri-La" 4 doors up, about 100 yards.
MfY: Isn't this "Shangri-La"?
Me: No, it says on the gate it's "Peculiar Old House". "Shangri-La" has "Shangri-La" on the gate...
MfY: Thanks *goes off looking desperate*


*names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the house names really are that different from each other.

 

[perplexed]

Obviously a posh one. he didn't use "Innit" or "Like"

You know what one is saying

Well one supposes so! He was in his late 50s though, didn't look like he was going to rush of to meet wiv 'is crew in da Sheffield massive, blud. Standard

 

[Lullabelle]

Yesterday my colleague went to her daughters school sports day. Her daughter asked her to take part in the short run for the parents, she refused but after much begging from her daughter she agreed, she was second from last and complained today about how hard it was: well, she said, most of the mum's there were in their 20's and I am nearly 40 so....it isn't her age that hindered her it is the fact that she is an unfit smoker who is so obsessed with being thin she doesn't eat properly.

There was no dialogue only the one going through my head: for god sake you are 39, you are not old or almost 'past it' I am 43 and don't feel old but the way talk sometimes you makes me feel ancient.

 

[TVC]

At work:

Me... Kenny, have you farted?

Kenny... (indignant) NO!

Me... What? Never?

Kenny... ???

 

[Cyclopathic]

Drunk young woman coming out of pub near a park: "Have you seen a random guy on the park?"

Me "Yep, loads of them"

Chap walking past "It's a park."

Turns out she was looking for a specific guy. Not in any way random at all.

 

[annedonnelly]

The supermarket checkout. The fella on the till is eyeing one of my purchases with some suspicion.

Checkout: (still eyeing me up) Punching buttons on the thingy.

Me: Everything ok?

Checkout: Hhhmmm (more button punching)

Me: (noticing the expanding queue) Ok there?

Checkout: (Finally admitting defeat) What do you call this? (Holds up the offending article)

Me: It's Pak Choi.

Checkout: (with some disbelief) A what?

Me: Pak Choi.

Checkout: Not a chilli?

Me: No, Pak Choi... (Some giggling from queue)

Checkout: Is it a vegetable then?

Me: Er, yeah...

Checkout: What was it again?

Me: Pak Choi...

Checkout: Sounds a rum 'un to me, well dodgy...

'Bleep'

Me: (To myself, Gawd that was hard work) Checkout is still gently shaking his head as I exit stage left shoving my trolly whilst trying to avoid the double glazing saleswoman...

I had to explain what a courgette was to a young check-out operator. Obviously not someone who eats his vegetables...

 

[Octet]

Me to self, as I carefully drained the excess watery fluid off my natural live youghurt..into the sink..
'Sod it '......as half the contents of the large pot plopped out and into the sink...

Any particular reason you didn't just stir it?

 

[gbb]

Any particular reason you didn't just stir it?

My colleague asked the same..
Im very particular about food, I dont like mixing things together, I place different foods on the same plate, but dont like to mix them or stir things together, i guess that thought process extended to my yoghurt.
If i eat lets say a fruit corner yoghurt, I must spoon a little fruit then top up the spoon with yoghurt. Never, ever, could I do what the wife does...flip the fruit Into the yoghurt and stir It all together...yukk.
The stupid thing is, i'll happily eat a pre mixed one, but cant do it myself.

 

[welsh dragon]

My colleague asked the same..
Im very particular about food, I dont like mixing things together, I place different foods on the same plate, but dont like to mix them or stir things together, i guess that thought process extended to my yoghurt.
If i eat lets say a fruit corner yoghurt, I must spoon a little fruit then top up the spoon with yoghurt. Never, ever, could I do what the wife does...flip the fruit Into the yoghurt and stir It all together...yukk.
The stupid thing is, i'll happily eat a pre mixed one, but cant do it myself.

 

[gbb]

We're setting up a new workshop, ive requested some serious amount of tools and equipment...one of the new managers...
'We've got you a new MIG welder, £250...'...all pleased with himself.

I smiled, but kept my thoughts to myself, which were..
£250 ?...a DIY welder that is JUST ok for the occasional use I need it for, so dont get all excited, you got away with it lightly..I coulda requested a grands worth.
Grow up, you have no idea how much decent equipment costs.

 

[Hyslop]

Did you have a part in Dinnerladies ?

 

[stephec]

My wife on going onto the Google Play Store for the first time this afternoon -

There's loads of games on here, look even a camera app.
Yeah, your tablet's got a camera on it already.
Has it, I haven't seen it?
Well if your tablet doesn't have a camera what use is a camera app to you?
Oh yeah, so where is the camera?
Go in your apps menu and look for one that's called camera.
Oooh, look at that.

FFS.

 

[gbb]

The phone rings half an hour after getting home from work...
'Col, that machine's stopped altogether (I'd been working on a minor fault, unconnected, this morning)...they're desperate, you're not available are you ?'
'Its another 42 mile round trip, I'm home, it'll take me 3/4 of an hour to even get there'
'Shall I try ringing xxxx'
'If you can, he's half a mile from you, I know its not his shift, but give it a go'
'Ok, will do'

They have partial engineering cover and every weekend, they're out on a limb with no cover after 12. It's usually ok, but they need more people, we cant cover it all.
Lines are being drawn in the sand..you have to be careful how much you give to our new employer, they need to employ more people...covering it all short staffed isn't going to help me or the team, the company need a reminder of the urgency with which they need to treat it