Give me some dialogue from your day

[BigonaBianchi]

Spotty chavvy oik shouting at traffic warden lady about to issue him a ticket as he was half on the pavement and half on a double yellow

...why dont you just foff and leave me alone..

TW you cant park there sir

...oh FFs Im getting bit pissed off to be honest

TW...well what did you expect if you park there?

...Foff

TW Charming

Jusy 'cos you have a uniform doesnt mean you can tell me anyfink like..

TW you need to move your vehicle sir or I will issue the ticket

foff bitch leave me alone (right in her face)

Me

Get back in your car and drive away son before you embarrass yourself anymore

Oik slams door and walks away

TW thanks for that sir, you get them all around here (slapping ticket on windscreen)

 

[stu9000]

Its fireworks night.
Lots of kids running around.
7 year old girl getting a bit harassed by the boys.
She sees them off no problem, then wanders over to see what I'm doing.
"Boys" she says . "So annoying".
I say "Yep. They drive you mad for years and then you find yourself married to one!"
"I'd rather be a lesbian" she says.

The lord save us from bright theatrical kids.

 

[Puddles]

Son: Mummy you have written here that I was born on Tuesday (date birth) at 2.33 in the morning
Me: Yes that is right
Son: Is that the middle of the night
Me: Yes
Son: You got the day wrong mummy
Me: The day or the date
Son The day, my birthday is not on a Tuesday I thought it was on a Friday, we had cake on Friday
Me: That was this year in the year you were born it was a Tuesday, it changes every year

(Exit one perplexed looking child)

 

[MossCommuter]

Earlier on this evening I was telling my mum about my planned bike ride to Bristol tomorrow.

MUM: Well I'm not happy because you haven't got a mobile.
ME: You know something; Moses didn't have a mobile.
MUM: Moses didn't have a bicycle either, he had a burning bush.

Moses had a motorbike

the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills

 

[fimm]

Irritated driver: Them lights are no' working!
Equally irritated roadworks man: Ah know they're no' working, I'm trying tae fix them!

 

[lee1980sim]

Supervisor : what you want (as I arrive to start today's shift)

Me : to go home

Supervisor : that's the wrong attitude

Me : nope, you asked the wrong question

 

[Puddles]

Son: What is the crossing the line ceremony
Me: Uncle Malcolm, that would be your Great Uncle said it was a silly ceremony they did when you cross the equator on a naval ship for the first time
Son: Did you get a medal if you crossed twice
Me: No it was just a silly bit of fun.
Son: What did they do then
Me: I don't know do you want to phone and ask Uncle Malcolm
Son: Is he alive then?
Me: Yes he is Nana's brother so very much alive
Son: Oh, can you phone the equator then?
Me: Yes, but why would we phone there? he lives in the next village?
Son: How does he know about all this then?
ME' Because he was in the Navy now do you want to phone or not?

 

[Arch]

One of my colleagues over heard this snippet as he passed two men, one in his 40s, one a pensioner.

Older man: So, what did you say was the name of the machine you used to identify that?
Younger man: An iPhone....

 

[gavgav]

Before I start, need to state that I have a colleague who's surname is Panayi

Phone rings.........

Me - Hello

Person on phone - can I speak to Chris Panini please (as in the toasted bread thingymajob)

Me -

Person on phone - What's so funny?

Me - Explaining that it's Panayi and not Panini

Person on Phone - Can I have cheese and Mozarella please

Working in the NHS it is the little things like this that keep you going!

 

[GrasB]

Person on phone - can I speak to Chris Panini please (as in the toasted bread thingymajob)

Reminds me of this (click the link for the time stamp)

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9CHJB3apU8&t=0027

 

[Sandra6]

Me - I think shephers pie is the best thing I make. I love shepherds pie
Son - I think the best thing you make is the trip to the chipshop

 

[Arch]

We have a lad, Liam, who comes in to volunteer on a Thursday, he has a learning disability and has a tendency to bombard us with completely random questions out of the blue while we eat our lunch. It can be quite funny. Today, he came out of the hall where they were eating to the foyer where we were sitting, and out of the blue:

Liam: Steve!Do you like Sky Sports?
Steve <probably the last person I'd ever imagine watching Sky Sports>: <deadpan, after a slightly astonished pause> I can't think of a thing I'd like less...
Me: <choking slightly on my tea> Spppllflllflglllffhh!
Liam: What's wrong with you?
Me: <spluttering slightly> I'm fine, I just... My tea went down the wrong way
Steve: So, Liam, do YOU like Sky Sports?
Liam: I. Um. Well, it's alright if. <walks off>

He's a good lad, works well, he's just a bit random, conversation wise. He seems to enjoy himself, which is the main thing.

 

[jhawk]

A friend: "Why do people pronounce Nutella, "NOOTella" like it's made from goddamn hazelNOOTS?"

 

[Cubist]

Ring ring
Me "Hello?"
Voice "Hello?"
Me "Hello."
Voice "Hello?"
Me "call me picky, but seeing as you rang me you're going to have to try a bit harder to make this interesting."
Voice "Hello."
Me "We've done that bit."
Voice........ click, buzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Cubist]

Five minutes later

Ring ring

Me "Hello."
Voice "Can I speak with Mr Cubist please?"
Me "Speaking. "
Voice "I'm calling from mutter mumble unintelligible"
Me "sorry, who? "
Voice "Somecompany or another PPI advisors."
Me "What's that?"
Voice "Payment Protection Insurance"
Me "Oooh, I don't think I want any of that do I?"
Voice " No you don't want any"
Me "Then why are you trying to sell me some?"
Voice "I'm not, I was ringing because our records show you may have been mis-sold some."
Me "What, recently? I doubt it, I don't think the bank sells it any more."
Voice "No, in the past. A loan or something like that."
Me "I don't remember getting a loan....... who was it with?"
Voice " It may have been a bank. "
Me "What, my bank? Why would they mis -sell me PPI on a loan I didn't take out? What do your records tell you? When was this, and how much are you going to give me?"
Voice.......click, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz