Give me some dialogue from your day

[wiggydiggy]

Man at delivery office for City Link and Me where I'm picking up a parcel

Man: Have you made a special trip here?
Me: I wouldn't come here normally if thats what you mean

 

[coffeejo]

DG: Hi, it's the Delivery Guy here, just ringing to make sure I'm in the right place.
Me: Well, I can't see you.
DG: I followed your directions...
Me: Did you come up the lane with the farm shop signs at the bottom?
DG: Yes.
Me: And when you came up the lane, was there an orchard on your left and a field of sheep on the right?
DG: Yes.
Me: Well, I still can't see you.
DG: I turned left off the main road onto the BXXXX, then took the first right.
Me: Ah, I see where you went wrong, you wanted the first LEFT.
Me (thinking): If you'd followed the directions like you SAID you had, you stupid moron, you would have taken the first left, which - funnily enough - has the farm shop signs at the bottom of the lane, an orchard on the left and a field of sheep on the right.

 

[NormanD]

DG: Hi, it's the Delivery Guy here, just ringing to make sure I'm in the right place.
Me: Well, I can't see you.
DG: I followed your directions...
Me: Did you come up the lane with the farm shop signs at the bottom?
DG: Yes.
Me: And when you came up the lane, was there an orchard on your left and a field of sheep on the right?
DG: Yes.
Me: Well, I still can't see you.
DG: I turned left off the main road onto the BXXXX, then took the first right.
Me: Ah, I see where you went wrong, you wanted the first LEFT.
Me (thinking): If you'd followed the directions like you SAID you had, you stupid moron, you would have taken the first left, which - funnily enough - has the farm shop signs at the bottom of the lane, an orchard on the left and a field of sheep on the right.

I hate it when women don't think out aloud and say what they're thinking

 

[Cubist]

Superintendent: Ah, I thought I could hear Inspector Cubist's dulcet tones
Me: Morning Boss.
Supt: Will you have finished with him soon Chief Insp T?
Chief Insp T: In a minute or two, then I have a phone call to make, but I'll be through in a minute.
Supt: Actually it's Cubist I want. Will you send him through when you've finished with him?
Me: Do I need the Yellow Pages or lube Sir?
Supt: Mood I'm in this morning I suggest you bring both.
Me: Ooooooh.

 

[Archie_tect]

Manager of Housing Dept: It's not looking bright or orange.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Lady at CAB:

"Do come in...sniff ..sniff..oh...erm...I think we'll use the other room, lady before you was incontinent, I do apologise"

 

[subaqua]

client PM - can you move the socket above the balustrade. its our fault the desigtn is wrong , i'll send an instruction.
me: no problem , I'll do it as soon as i get the instruction and confirmed heights.

scroll forward 8 hours

client Pm- why havent you moved the socket outlets
me - no instruction no work. you know the rules. and the guys have gone home for the evening
PM - aaah thats going to delay handover if its not done today as the balustrade must be fitted tonight
Me- your lack of planning is NOT my emergency.

 

[swee'pea99]

So they've turned off the water, and it's off for the rest of the day?
Yes.
Before I've taken my morning dump...

 

[Archie_tect]

So they've turned off the water, and it's off for the rest of the day?
Yes.
Before I've taken my morning dump...

Get round to the estate agents quick!

 

[Speicher]

The mannequins are from a men's netball team.

 

[Crackle]

Me: "Do you have any cholesterol testing kits?"
Assistant: "klest your what?"
Me: "CHOLESTEROL testing kits"
Assisstant: umms a bit, "we used to have some that tested for klesterol but......"
Me: "So you don't have any now then?"
Assisstant: "We've got them", she sweeps her arm at the cholesterol monitors
Me: Ahh...
Assisstant: "They'll tell you if you've got klesterol"
Me: "If I've got..........right. err, no. I wasn't wanting to spend £60, tah"
Assisstant: "Boots might have them"
Me: "Thanks, I'll have a look"

I know, I should go the docs for a proper test but I'm lazy.

 

[Mr Phoebus]

Me: Do you have any Voltarol?
Pharmacist: Yes, would you like tablets or gel?
Me: Tablets, please.
Pharmacist: OK, that'll be £6.12 please.
Me: Do you sell anything for shock?

 

[swee'pea99]

"Voltarol"? That's a villain in Harry Potter isn't it?

 

[Speicher]

Do you want to learn how to treat cuts, bruises and bums?

Strictly speaking it was written, rather than spoken, but still amusing.

 

[Arch]

Do you want to learn how to treat cuts, bruises and bums?

Strictly speaking it was written, rather than spoken, but still amusing.

We have a poster at work, listing 'natural' cleaning solutions (vinegar and bicarb feature strongly). To get rid of smells, it recommends "Burn Candles", but it's in a homey 'handwritten' font, and looks just like Bum Candles.