Give me some dialogue from your day

[siadwell]

Overheard at work. Two colleagues having an informal meeting.
Older colleague: Can we take a break for five minutes. I need to see a man about a dog.

Five minutes later...
Younger colleague: So how is your dog?
Older colleague: It was a euphemism. I needed to go to the toilet.

 

[Lanzecki]

I use the same line for many things. Some people must think I run a dog pound.

 

[gbb]

Overheard at work. Two colleagues having an informal meeting.
Older colleague: Can we take a break for five minutes. I need to see a man about a dog.

Five minutes later...
Younger colleague: So how is your dog?
Older colleague: It was a euphemism. I needed to go to the toilet.

That's the joy of working with a young un...they occasionally havnt got a clue what you're talking about.

If I used the word 'euphemism'.....i'd see his eyes narrow for a second.....and i'd just KNOW he didn't know what a euphemism was . It happens all the time

 

[Arch]

American Lady, coming out of the flats where I'm sorting out their recycling, carrying a black bag: Oh! Can I leave this with you?
Me: Is it recycling?
Lady: Oh yeah, I wouldn't give you garbage!
Me: You'd be surprised how many people do...

At which point, having been breaking down some cardboard boxes, I realise that the one in my hand, which I'm mildly gesticulating with, is from Ann Summers, and the cardboard insert in it clearly shows the shape of the item it once housed...

 

[Matthew_T]

I am commuting home last night and see a person walking on the shared path infront of me. The guy stops just before I approach him and as I reach him, he stops me and asks an odd question.
Him: Have you seen a girl down there by any chance?
Me: Urm, no.
Him: Oh, I was waiting to meet someone but I guess they arent coming.
Me: No, I havent seen anyone down the path. (I had only passed 4 cyclists on the entire path).
Him: Okay, well thanks anyway.

And the guy then walked back to his car.

What concerned me was the fact that he identified the person he was waiting for as a 'girl'. I didnt actually see anyone but even if I had, I probably would have said no unless it was a woman. The guy looked like he was in his early 40's and had no real place waiting for a girl.
It seemed very suspicious.

 

[IainC]

Whilst cycling from Takeley to Dunmow and spotting the sign for the Banana Depot...
OH: "Banana Depot, wonder what that is?"
Me: "It's a storage unit for kitchen plungers"
OH: "Ha bloody ha"

 

[vernon]

Me to kid scoffing a family sized bag of Doritos: Eat many more of those and you'll end up looking like me.

Kid: What? Fat?

Me: No. Black.

Kid: <choking sounds>

 

[Lullabelle]

We used to have a couple who worked with us a few years ago, Steve & Diane, live together, have a child but hate each other and always arguing.

Anyway one day a conversation went like this:

Steve: we are going to see the new Mel Gibson film this weekend (the passions of Christ), Di is a massive fan of Mel
Me: Mel isn't in the film
Steve: Really? you're joking..
Me: No, he is the producer or director I believe but he isn't actually in the film
Steve: Oh no, Di will not be happy about that
Me: It isn't in English either
Steve: YOU ARE JOKING!
Me: You do know Jesus wasn't born in England or America so of course it isn't in English
Steve: Oh my god Di will be livid when she finds out
Me: (in my head) can't be that much of a fan then...

 

[Sandra6]

Youngest is watching the news
"where's pleb gate?"

I gave what I thought was a reasonable explanation of terms used in the news, and mentioned watergate.
Daughter "where's water gate?"

 

[ScotiaLass]

Conversation re eating his food (he has Aspergers and eats the same thing over and over....)

Husband: The dog eats what's put in front of him...
13yr old son: Yeah, but that's dog food!
Husband: When the zombie apocalypse comes you'll have to eat what's put in front of you, or get eaten
Me: Well, there's certain things that I'll never put in my mouth!
13yr old son: <hysterical laughter>
Me: <sigh>

 

[gbb]

A couple from today...
We're sitting in the workshop, discussing anything and everything. Somehow, politics came into it and I launched (unintendedly) into a diatribe as follows...
'Y'know what makes me sick, the so called cleverest and richest people in society fcuk things up through greed or stupidity, get off virtually scot free while the poorest in society have to take the heaviest hit for it. People on benefits or old people, others through no fault of their own have to sacrifice some of their money because they've got a spare frikkin room. How sodding petty can you get, i'll tell you what its all about, it the Tories screwing down the average guy, anyone who isn't fortunate enough to attain their giddy heights. Frikkin politicians, they're ALL frikkin useless, in it for themselves....and you know what, the worst of it is, you have to have them in some form or another . Another thing, just to show how they're so determined to do things their way whatever the cost, they'll undo everything the previous government has done over the last 4 or 8 years. Education, Police, National Health...they spend years and billions changing everything to dance to the tune of the government of the day...then have to chuck it all down the pan and start again with a new lot. No wonder we STILL have kids leaving school who are as thick as planks, people who STILL cant get justice etc. Politics, its the root of everything thats wrong in this country'

I then followed with.....'I think I just had a rant there ...I wouldn't mind, but i'm not politically minded, I don't support any of them, they've all got their good and bad bits...shame they couldn't find some common ground and work for the good of us lot'
Colleague....

Later, a lorry was reversing past the workshop..i hope I can replicate the sound....
It should have sounded like this.........................................................'waaack waaack waaack waaack'
Instead, the sounder had thrown a wobbly and it sounded like this...'waack waaack waaack'
I looked up and said 'Christ, that lorry sounds like an asthmatic duck '
My colleague replied....'Where the hell did you think that up from ? '
'Dunno, that's just what it sounded like '


The wife really gets into soaps and will often excitedly tell me a storyline. I'll often reply...
'Its only pretend you know, its not real '
So she's telling me as Emmerdale finished...He's (one of the characters on screen at that moment) just finished with Debbie in real life, they've got a kid together'
I replied...'Its not real you know....errrr, oh....actually, that bit is, isn't it ?'
Wife...

 

[Jefferson Meriwether]

Me: If I ever won the lottery and didn't need a reference from the boss, on my last day of work, at the end of the shift, I'd crap in the sink and urinate in the tub of soup.
2nd Chef: Fair enough. Just so long as it isn't a soup I've made.

 

[gbb]

My young colleague is still wet behind the ears, inexperienced in dealing with confrontation and aggravational supervisors.
'I just had a right bollicking from *****'
'Why ?'
'Cos the ladies toilets are STILL blocked and she wanted to know why she hadn't been told..and why they are still blocked and nothing has been done about them'

'If i'd have been there David, i'd have explained...we ARE aware there is a problem, we have attended and unblocked them once, we also attended once and found them not blocked, and we have investigated right through the drain system and found there is indeed a problem we cant solve. There is a build up of sludge and it needs Dynorod or similar to deal with it. On finding that problem (yesterday) , we immediately informed the relevant manager, who has contacted Dynorod. IF the problem has worsened, we will upgrade it and get them in sooner. It is all in hand, and is being dealt with. If the situation has worsened, that's unfortunate, but beyond our control...but will be dealt with.'

'I get too confrontational, i'm likely to tell her to F off'
'No, you keep to the point, keep calm and state the facts'...then I added....'And just for good measure, i'd tell her if their staff stopped using a mountain of toilet roll everytime they use the loo, something ive raised with them before, but something they choose to ignore, we wouldn't be attending blocked toilets so frequently...at the end of the day, we solve problems caused by others, we DONT create the problem'

 

[gbb]

And then, we were stood at the window of the upper floor canteen, looking over the nearby countryside, drinking coffee. We do this most afternoons.
He said...
'Hey, look, , he's still here ' as he pointed to a spider that lives right outside the window....'He's survived the howling winds and the torrential rain, its a miracle really'
I stood there, mind wandering...'You know those klaxon things, they use a can of compressed air, bloody loud things'
'Yeah...'
'Well if you held it RIGHT next to him and gave him a blast, do you think it'd deafen him '...as I held my hands to my ears with a look of mock shock on my face.
' FFS, how random does your mind work ?'

 

[Jefferson Meriwether]

Last summer the 2nd chef, a 17 year old waitress and I were outside on a fag break one day; they were smoking and I had some chewing tobacco. As I was pulling some baccy out of the pouch the waitress looked at me.

Waitress: When you finish, do you spit or swallow?
Me: I mainly spit but sometimes I swallow.