Christianity ruins a relationship ....Alpha courses?

[Cathryn]

I've been at work all day so unable to join in this thread.

I'm a christian as well and am married to someone who isn't. I struggled when I was going out with him as it did conflict with what I believe still is the ideal type of relationship for a christian, ie with another christian. I think it's ideal for two christians to be married because they both share a deeply held faith and approach their lives and their marriages in the same way. As Catrike has also said, it's what the Bible says is right, as well.


The husband (when he was the boyfriend) went to an alpha course and actually enjoyed it. I've never disguised the fact I'd love him to have a faith as well as I think it would bring us closer and give us a common starting point when we tackle issues in our lives together. However I don't think at all that i want to change him, I think he's pretty perfect as he is...it would just be great to be able to share something that means so much with me. Maybe a bit like cycling but more deeply significant. I've never put any pressure on him to 'convert' and won't ever do so. I've seen enough people 'convert' and then drop away to realise that it has to be something that he actually believes in, rather than something he does for me and I would HATE him to claim to have a faith so he can make me happy.



He has the strength of character to not be 'brainwashed' by Alpha but found it interesting and it's enabled him to understand me better when I come at things from a different perspective to him.

I agree with Dom that it's sad that I'd be the 'religious' member of the family and agree it's common that the family is structured that way, but any man worth his salt has the strength of character to not 'go along with something to get his leg over'.

 

[bobg]

I hope you wont mind continuing this ... I'm going to send a link to JR , I'm sure it'll help him decide what to to, it's difficult for me to represent his views in any detail. Thanks again for all the input ... even Fnaars

 

[Mr Pig]

Ta. So... was she wrong to lead the man on knowing that he'd never be yokable? Or was it a vain hope that he would be?

It's not unusual for Christian girls to go out with non-Christian boys, after all there is no harm in it. However it can, and often does, lead to problems if the relationship deepens. Older Christians often have seen the mess and hurt that can result and tend to discourage 'mixed' relationships. You could see them as bigoted or old-fashioned, but they're often right.

It's no dark secret or weird practice. Strong beliefs in 'anything' can cause issues in a relationship, it's not something confined to Christianity. Say if one person was a committed environmentalist and the other materialistic. There are lots of relationships out there that are suboptimal without faith having anything to do with it.

 

[Cathryn]

Come on...have you never been out with anyone you shouldn't have?

I went out with boys who weren't christians even though I knew I shouldn't do so. There isn't exactly a wide range of hot christian blokes out there (christian forummers excepted, clearly).

Looking at things in black and white, yes, 'she' and I were wrong to go out with blokes we knew we shouldn't really marry. But it's pretty human, isn't it?

And I married him anyway, so am clearly a bad example.

 

[ComedyPilot]

Religion has got nowt to do with it. If one person doesn't like the other it won't work, simple. One person's faith and belief system has got nothing to do with causing splits in relationships. Also if the other person is blinkerd enough to hold someone's faith against them when deciding to enter a relationship, then it was not meant to be in the first place.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Let's be fair to the woman in this. If she doesn't want to go out with a non-christian it certainly does not make her a bigot. Relationships are the one area in our lives where we are as free to be as choosey as we like, and long may it remain.

 

[Mr Pig]

Come on...have you never been out with anyone you shouldn't have?

Yes, of course I have. In fact this is exactly how I became a Christian! I was an evolution-believing atheist and I started going out with a Christian girl. It was evident quite early on that long term it would not work out and she and her friends put a lot of pressure on me to go to become a Christian.

I wasn't going to be a hypocrite and pretend but eventually after arguing and talking to loads of her friends, family etc I came to the point were I could no longer dismiss Christianity as rubbish, as I had done up to that point. So I 'experimental' asked The Lord to enter into my life and so on, much to the delight of said girlfriend! ;0)

We fell out about a year-and-a-half later and I found it very difficult. Just about the only other Christians I knew were mutual friends, and I didn't want to stay pals with her, so I fell away from The lord, back into my old ways.

If you've genuinely been saved though you can't go back. You are a different person, the old life doesn't work for you any more. So twenty years later I Know why I'm a Christian and I'm a lot wiser.

As you say, it's all pretty human. We all make mistakes, have regrets. The trick in life is to learn from other peoples rather than insisting on screwing up for yourself! ;0)

 

[Flying_Monkey]

Your story is not a positive answer to Cathryn's question. As an atheist, there was nothing to to stop you going out with a Christian woman, no 'should' or 'should not' about it... only your choice.

It's also a shame you gave up on rationality along with the atheism... you can be 'saved' and still know that evolution happens (it is not a 'belief' BTW).

 

[Cycling Naturalist]

It's also a shame you gave up on rationality along with the atheism... you can be 'saved' and still know that evolution happens (it is not a 'belief' BTW).

Choices, choices, saved by FM or the Alpha Course?

 

[Cathryn]

bigot noun
a prejudiced person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from his own

I agree. I tolerate people with different views from mine. That doesn't mean I choose to marry them. That doesn't make me a bigot, but someone who knows the traits I want in a partner. Is that so awful?

 

[Mr Pig]

That is all from Paul and not what Jesus taught at all...

Paul and Jesus taught the same thing, they don't contradict ouch other. The only way to make sense of The Bible is to accept the whole of it as God's word. If you accept it as that then it must judge you. If you reject part of it you reject the whole, how can only 'part' of God's word be true?

I certainly can't accept any religion that is based on the fundamental inequality of men and women.

There is a difference between the two being 'unequal' and 'different'. I earnestly believe that God values men and women equally. When the Lord Jesus walked on the earth He stood out from the culture of the day in the way he treated women.

However I think one of the ways the modern world has gone wrong is to try and see men and women as the same, under the banner of equality. Often for a modern woman being equal to a man means doing the same things as a man does. Men and women are different in their personalities, abilities and weaknesses. They are both good at things the other is not. Where the problem lies is when you live in a culture that values one type of ability or gift over another so that one, usually the woman, feels undervalued.

God values men and women equally, but He does not treat them the same.

 

[wafflycat]

I am so very glad my other half is non-religious and doesn't use religion as an excuse for sexism. He and I treat each other as equal partners. We talk things through and sometimes his POV is the way we go and sometimes my POV is the way we go and sometimes we both compromise. We respect each other's POVs even when we disagree on 'stuff'. None of this crap about him being the man meaning he has the final say. We treat each other as living in the 21st century and not the Victorian era when women were treated as chattels.

 

[Flying_Monkey]

Paul and Jesus taught the same thing, they don't contradict ouch other. The only way to make sense of The Bible is to accept the whole of it as God's word. If you accept it as that then it must judge you. If you reject part of it you reject the whole, how can only 'part' of God's word be true?

But it isn't all 'God's word' is it? Christianity is not Islam. The Bible is not regarded even by most Christians as being the literal word of God. Both historical research and biblical scholarship has revealed all sorts of information about the diverse sources of the massively diverse elements that compose both the Jewish and Christian elements of the Bible. You will have a very hard time explaining most of the bizarre and primitive rules of Leviticus as a Christian, or indeed the erotic poetry of the Song of Solomon, the multple and contradictory authors of Genesis, the differences between the vengeful, direct angry and often petty God of the Jewish scriptures and the mediated, distant but compassionate God of the NT, the differences between Paul and Thomas' versions of Christianity, the political scrabbling that led to the selection of books to be considered canonical etc. etc. etc.

But there's probably no point in having this discussion because I know you aren't going to listen to any of this.

 

[Mr Pig]

It's also a shame you gave up on rationality along with the atheism... you can be 'saved' and still know that evolution happens

I personally don't know anyone who knows me who would describe me as irrational. Most people would say that being logical and rational was one of my strong points (my wife just said "most of the time!" ;0).

One thing I do know is that evolution is probably one of the most 'irrational' ideas I've ever seen! For evolutionists to talk about 'brainwashing' is actually quite funny :0)

If the penny ever drops, promise you will come back and tell me and I promise not to say 'I told you so'? ;0)

 

[Mr Pig]

But there's probably no point in having this discussion because I know you aren't going to listen to any of this.

To be honest, I know the answers to every one of the 'problems' you've listed. None of these things worries me at all, been there, done it.

When you consider the complexities of God's dealings with man, and how awesome God himself must be, it should be obvious that a single man could never fully understand it all. If you start from the position that you will only accept The Bible if you can settle every difficulty you see in it then the only path in front of you is failure.

If however you trust Him to begin with then one by one you will find answers to all of these issues as you go along. Some are really simple, as you solve one mystery you'll find another, but you grow stronger and hopefully wiser.

Some Christians have what you might call a 'simple' faith. They trust in The Lord without feeling the need to know the answers to every question. They're just as 'saved' as any other Christian but ask them one of your questions and they'd be stumped. You'd probably find that they didn't care much though as knowing The Lord's hand in your life proves more than could ever be explained on pen and paper.

Many Christians would know the answers to some of these kinds of questions, none would know them all but we'd all know that our God is greater than any man who tries to knock Him down. I trust Him because I've known Him for over twenty years. That's what non-Christians don't get. When you lie in bed tonight in the quietness, ask yourself if you know for a certain fact that you are alone? You see, I know that I'm not, and never will be.