Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

I am writing a book. The title is 'How to be humble when I've never been wrong in my life'.
I just can't get past the 1st paragraph

 

[Pblakeney]

I paid £50 for a lighter that would light thousands of cigarettes.
It arrived this morning.
Bastard sent me a multiple box of matches.

 

[Electric_Andy]

Slugs, like snails, are edible. The problems occur when they've eaten something toxic (like rat droppings) and it's still in their digestive system.

Hugh Fernley-Whitingsall (spelling?) once collected a load of slugs from his herb/veg garden. Not wanting to waste anything, he tried to boil them and eat them. He said they still tasted like disgusting slugs

 

[BigSid]

I've just removed the batteries from my CO detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

 

[Rezillo]

Well, with news of power cuts crippling transport in Spanish cities, I'm waiting for reports of a bunch of heavily laden Mini Coopers being driven at speed through the flood channels of Madrid.

 

[craigwend]

Well, with news of power cuts crippling transport in Spanish cities, I'm waiting for reports of a bunch of heavily laden Mini Coopers being driven at speed through the flood channels of Madrid.

Unless they used those new fandangelled Electric Mini Coopers...

"You was only meant to blow out the main electric circuit...."

 

[tyred]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Chris S]

What do you call a Turkish cloakroom attendant?
Mehet Mecoat

 

[Profpointy]

What do you call a Turkish cloakroom attendant?
Mehet Mecoat

And similarly employed in Aberdeen there's Angus McCoatup

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

View attachment 770842

2 year old Alfasud?

 

[Pblakeney]

2 year old Alfasud?

My Dad had one and loved it. Right up until he came to a stop at traffic lights and the engine fell out.
True story.

 

[Regular.Cyclist]

My Dad had one and loved it. Right up until he came to a stop at traffic lights and the engine fell out.
True story.

My first car was nearly an Aflasud. I say nearly as, after a very enjoyable test drive, I opened the driver’s door to get out and it dropped two inches!

I walked away.

 

[prestonhere]

🦷 A YORKSHIREMAN walks into the dentist and asks how much it will cost to extract a tooth.

"You're looking at about £350" the dentist says.

"OW MUCH!!!" the Yorkshireman exclaims in disbelief 😲😲😲

"£350 to tek a chuffin tooth 'art! Int there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "If I don't use anaesthetic, I can probably do it for about £200. It'll be really painful though!" 😬

"I'm not arsed about how painful it'll be but that's still too expensive!" replies the Yorkshireman.

"Hmmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "I could give Leeds Dental hospital a ring and they could probably send a student up to give it a go for some experience.

My Dad had one and loved it. Right up until he came to a stop at traffic lights and the engine fell out.
True story.

Long retired mechanic , very few made it to the first mot at 3 year old . Traffic light start commonly led to Bulk head separation.

 

[craigwend]