Any good jokes ... ?

[AndyRM]

 

[mikeIow]

Just got back from my friend's house.
Him and his wife are going through a divorce and she was calling around to share the possessions they collected together throughout the years. He asked me to be there to mediate the situation and for some moral support.

Everything was going smoothly.
She wanted the TV. My friend obliged as long as he could have the stereo system, which she agreed to.
After the sharing of the possessions of the living room and bedrooms, we moved on to the kitchen.
On the kitchen worktop was a box of eggs. "I'm having these" she said, aggressively. "No you are not" replied my friend "I bought those yesterday". She reached into the box, took out an egg and chucked it at my friend, catching him square in the face.
Well, that was it. He went to the fridge, took out a big tub of single cream and tipped it over her head. She retaliated by throwing a small bottle of vanilla essence at him. It was carnage, with milk and sugar going everywhere.
I left them to it.

I don't know why they can't talk it through like grown adults.
Instead, they are now involved in this messy custardy battle.

 

[Gwylan]

View attachment 763368

I was there. People paid to play this loony tennis.

 

[SteveO69]

 

[PaulB]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

That's like the one where a female teacher is sitting on a bus and two young boys get on. The first one says, "It's spelled double-u, oh, oh, em, em.' The second one says, "No, you're wrong, it's spelled double-u, oh, oh, em, em, be." "No," says the first one, "It's definitely spelled double-u, oh, oh, em, em.' The teacher can't help overhear this conversation so she pipes up, "Excuse me boys, but you're both wrong. I can tell you the word you're both trying to spell is actually double-u, oh, em, be." One of the boys says, "How would you know? I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind hearing one fart under water."

 

[AndyRM]

 

[srj10]

Apocalyptic thought for the day
If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

 

[PaulB]

I went to the doctor and he said to me, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." I said, "That's impossible, I can't be." He said, "No, you're not, you just look like you're pregnant."

 

[SteveO69]

 

[Cavalol]

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

 

[cyberknight]

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

like the adverts where you can roller skate with a certain feminine product ?

 

[Cavalol]

like the adverts where you can roller skate with a certain feminine product ?

I shan't repeat the ancient joke about the man who went to space with a box of those!

 

[tyred]

 

[SteveO69]

 

[PeteXXX]