Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

An Aussie buys two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.
He placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. He stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in his passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...
The Aussie thought for a few seconds and then asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

[ayceejay]

' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
NO BALLS: five minutes later

 

[TVC]

Always worth repeating this time of year:

The christmas present from Dr Schrodinger has arrived. On Christmas morning the kids are either going to be delighted or devistated.

 

[welsh dragon]

An otter goes up to a whale. He has an octopus in his mouth. He takes it out, holds it in his front paws and suddenly flings it around his head and slaps it onto the water. Picks it up again swings it around his head again then hands it to the whale and says "Here's that sick squid I owe you".

 

[Boon 51]

A woman in London hails a cab as say's ... 'Waterloo please driver ' the cabbie says ' what the station' to which the women replied 'well the battle finished years ago'

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I ordered a bird-proof lawn cover from the internet. I was dubious at first but it turned out to be impeccable

 

[mrcunning]

Brendan Rogers is in talks to
take up a role at UKIP. They're
looking for an expert to get
them out of Europe

 

[subaqua]

Brendan Rogers is in talks to
take up a role at UKIP. They're
looking for an expert to get
them out of Europe

is the Europa League not A European thing now then ?

 

[screenman]

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence"

 

[compo]

A group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the waitresses had very large breasts and micro-mini-skirts....

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the food and service was good and the beer selection excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Weatherspoon’s in Tunbridge Wells because they had never been there before.

 

[Alex H]

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[Scoosh]

Not too bad @compo ...

 

[ayceejay]

Seasonal joke
A deputy brings a young lad into the sheriff's office, "what's all this?" the sheriff asks.
"We found his name written in the snow."
"So?"
"Written in pee pee sir?
"SO?" now the sheriff is getting impatient.
"It's in your daughters handwriting, sir"
"Lock him up!"

 

[mrcunning]

is the Europa League not A European thing now then ?

We can always spot a liverpool fan eh eh eh...lol

give me a month or so and ill put it back up...

 

[compo]

Not too bad @compo ...

Oops!!