Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

Bloke being dragged around shop after shop after shop doing the Christmas thing, at one shop window the wife stands back from the shop window and notices her husband has disappeared.
Very angry, she gets out her mobile and calls him, "I've got all this shopping to do, and you've wandered off, what are you doing? where are you?"
Husband replies, "do you remember all those years ago, we were out shopping, we went into a jewellers and you fell in love with a beautiful diamond ring?, I said then we couldn't afford it but that one day........."
The Wife's tone softened; "are you in the jewellers? that same jewellers?"
"No said the husband, I'm in the pub next door"

 

[Hitchington]

What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?

Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee...

 

[subaqua]

We can always spot a liverpool fan eh eh eh...lol

give me a month or so and ill put it back up...

nope , not a liverpool fan at all. just like things to be fairly accurate or they aint funny .

 

[Slioch]

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

[Archie_tect]

Where do you take a sick horse to make it better?

Horsepital.

 

[ayceejay]

Where do you take a sick horse to make it better?

Horsepital.

Horsepiddle

 

[Slioch]

A white horse walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer.
The barman says " We've got a whisky named after you".
The horse replies "What, you've got a whisky named Eric?"

 

[TVC]

Late one evening a man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and feel I have to confess.
You see I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. I have tried and tried but haven’t been able to establish any sort of upstairs connection with my new virgin wife, and I was in urgent need. Yours was oh too easily available and so responsive, but that's no excuse...
You are a very lucky man. I have never enjoyed such a satisfactory experience,
But I can no longer live with the guilt. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and my promise that I won't ever steal your wife again.
The man, enraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun from the bedside draw and, without a word, shot his beautiful wife dead as she slept.

A few moments later, a second text arrived:







Bloody predictive texting! I meant wifi not wife . . . .

 

[Arjimlad]

I've just discovered the world of Scarfolk.

It'd be rude not to share it with you

http://scarfolk.blogspot.com/

 

[F70100]

A woman goes into a butchers shop in Troon. The butcher is standing with his back to an electric fire.

Is that your Ayrshire bacon, she asks.

No madam, I'm just warming my hands.

 

[screenman]

Christmas is a time of year when I like to take stock.

The shops are so busy, I always get away with it.



I can't be bothered with buying presents this year, I never get it right.

My family will have to make do with Woolworth's vouchers.



My wife unwrapped her present.

"A car!" she shrieked, rattling the keys. "You got me a BMW!?"

"Not quite" I said, "they're Bob's from next door - I've got Jenny from No 8."



Christmas isn't here yet but, thanks to my mother-in-law, I already ready know it’s going to be the best one ever.

She emigrated to Australia last week.

 

[subaqua]

what wont take that have in their christmas stocking this year ?




an orange

 

[coco69]

Old but still get people

well thats it, I am on that plane in 3 days

thats nice where you going?

Nowhere, I am just taking 2 inch off the door!!

 

[morrisman]

£799.20 - the price of the Beast inc. VAT

 

[Andy_R]

A man walks into the doctor's office with a banana stuck in one of his ears, a head of lettuce in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

"Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" he asks nervously.

The doctor gets out his stethoscope and listens to the man's breathing and heart rate, then checks his blood pressure, before finally taking his temperature.

"Don't worry", he tells the man, "You just need to eat more sensibly."