Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
My great granddad was killed by a Zulu. He was having a sh*t at Whipsnade when the roof fell in.
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Margaret recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that cruise holiday you promised me but never got? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said
"Remember that car you promised me but never got? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me but never got? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well. Here it comes!"
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that cruise holiday you promised me but never got? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said
"Remember that car you promised me but never got? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me but never got? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well. Here it comes!"
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Our village fete has been cancelled. Apparently the parish council feared an outbreak of tombola.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
My other grandad....
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
The Reunion Lunch...
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
They call Donald Findlay QC "The Fox" because of his cunning, said my lawyer
"Is that right?" I said, "So what do they call you?"
"Easyjet" he replied, "Because I lose half my cases."
"Is that right?" I said, "So what do they call you?"
"Easyjet" he replied, "Because I lose half my cases."
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
The Chief Fireman, Albert-Jean Dubois, is very lazy and and often won't get up even when they call for him on the way... the neighbours get fed up when they shout in the street, "C'mon Bert!".
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Mods please.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Change reality, and while you're up there can you change the lightbulb.... it's suddenly gone all gloomy..
