Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

A true Friend

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

[screenman]

Lad from Donnie goes to the vet and asks: "Can tha neuter mi cat?"

"Certainly!" says the Vet, "Is it a Tom?"

"Nay, nay Lad! It's 'ere in this box!"

 

[screenman]

Lancashire bloke's dog dies, so he goes to the goldsmiths and asks
"Can tha mek a statue o me dog?"

"You want it 18 carrot" asks the craftsman.

"Naw eytin a bone'll be better"

 

[screenman]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

 

[john59]

A girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study room for green tea.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.

"I am an religious scholar and want to marry your daughter" he replies.

"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she already accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the boy.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."

 

[jayonabike]

My Korean wife made a pie from scratch.

I'm gutted, I loved that dog.

 

[screenman]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.'

 

[PaulB]

A mechanic accidentally splashes brake fluid on his tongue one day and discovers that he likes the taste. He takes to sipping from the bottle during his work day: just a bit at first, then a lot, then a full pint sized bottle each day.

His colleafue is getting concerned. "I think you're addicted."

"Addicted!" the mechanic responds in anger to the accusation. "I'm not addicted. It's just brake fluid. I can stop anytime I want."

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

A bloke escapes from a lunatic asylum ,runs into a laundrette, rapes 3 women and runs off. Newspaper headline-
Nut screws washers and bolts!

 

[john59]

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then
Hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she
Should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told
Her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said,
"Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[DWiggy]

(Remember This is a Joke)

I was in a pub in deepest Kent Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said,

"Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

 

[ufkacbln]

Can't remember where I read this one - so cannot give credit:

Two young lovestruck teenagers have been on the phone for over an hour and have to finish the call

Girl - You hang up
Boy - No you hang up first
Girl - no you hang up first
Boy - You hang up
Girl - You hang up
Boy - No you hang up first
Girl - no you hang up first
Boy - You hang up
Girl - You hang up
Boy - No you hang up first
Girl - no you hang up first
Boy - You hang up

GCHQ - Get on with it - will one you please hang up

 

[Gareth]

I've just released my own fragrance.

But no one on the bus seems to like it.

 

[Gareth]

Statistically, 9 out of 10 men will at some point be unlucky in love.

The other one never married.

 

[ufkacbln]

Apparently Viagra is now available in the form of eye drops................

Your don't get an erection but you certainly look hard

They have invented a form of Viagra that can be dissolved in tea

Does nothing or your sex life, but stops your biscuits from going soft!