Any good jokes ... ?

[Cavalol]

I once dated a calligrapher. Her 'i’s were a bit wonky. Lovely 'r’s though.

 

[Cavalol]

I knew a man who would turn cartwheels and do back-flips whilst berating women. He was a misogymnast.

 

[Dayvo]

don't forget to disinfect your knockers as well

And if you can't get to the front door you can pop it round the back alley! 😳

 

[PaulB]

I've just bought a pen that writes underwater. It writes loads of other words as well.

 

[Cavalol]

All I did was draw a tiny moustache and slanting fringe on my pet grasshopper, and he's turned into a right jumped up little Hitler!

 

[oldwheels]

Not so much a joke as a wee true story.
In the 1960's the Dumbarton traffic police decided in their wisdom to replace the usual patrol car for the A82 with 2 single manned Hillman Imps. The bottom part from Luss up was like the bit currently north of Tarbet and the small cars were reckoned to be more versatile as radio communication was at best patchy and weekend traffic was manic.
They were known popularly as Pinky and Perky. [For the youngsters among us these were cartoon pigs]
Pinky liked bit of venison and being well away from higher authority went up Glen Douglas with a rifle and shot a nice beast. He loaded the carcass into the car but unfortunately got bogged down. Perky meantime was keeping watch but eventually had to investigate the delay. Towing his colleague out he also got stuck. with no radio contact they had to get help but unfortunately got caught while walking down for help.
Points duty pretty well until retirement was their only option.

 

[PaulB]

What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian.

 

[PaulB]

Phoned up the local pizza shop last night and asked for a crusty supreme.

Didn't expect Diana Ross to show up.

 

[Cavalol]

Should have known it was a mistake calling my dog Achilles.

There's one command he just will not obey.

 

[Cavalol]

People don't believe me when I tell them I'm a tribute act for that rapper from The Black Eyed Peas.

Well, I am.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife has threatened to leave me because of my WW1 artillery collection.

I can't see howitzer problem.

 

[Angus McCoatup]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
M A B it's a big horse.
M A B it's a big horse who?
M A B it's a-big-horse I'm a Londoner, that I love London town.

(Credit-Brian Cant, Play Away, 1976 ish).

 

[PeteXXX]

Muffins, spelled backwards, is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven..

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[GM]