Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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betty swollocks
large member
News just in from Madrid.:-
King Felipe VI of has been quarantined on his royal jet.
The reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane.
King Felipe VI of has been quarantined on his royal jet.
The reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane.
Ming the Merciless
There is no mercy
- Location
- Inside my skull
I feel awful for my wife. After a week of lock-down, she's now just standing there, staring angrily at the window.
Regardless, I'm not letting her into the house until I'm sure she's not infected.
Regardless, I'm not letting her into the house until I'm sure she's not infected.
betty swollocks
large member
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have any water?"
The soldier replied, "There’s no water here mate, the well is dry. Perhaps you’d like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10 - really great value.”
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel, I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, “Please yourself. It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I’ll show you that I’m bigger than that, and that I’m a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeants’ Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back with chronic dehydration, collapsed next to the soldier and croaked, "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie!”
The Taliban asked, "Do you have any water?"
The soldier replied, "There’s no water here mate, the well is dry. Perhaps you’d like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10 - really great value.”
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel, I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, “Please yourself. It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I’ll show you that I’m bigger than that, and that I’m a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeants’ Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back with chronic dehydration, collapsed next to the soldier and croaked, "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie!”
betty swollocks
large member
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Nôtre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter”, said the man, “Observe!”
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps to find that a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter”, said the man, “Observe!”
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps to find that a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Last night I vigorously rubbed my skin with sage, basil & parsley...
I was trying to build up my herb immunity.
I was trying to build up my herb immunity.
Free flowers, plants, trees and shrubs from B&Q. Due to the shop beeing closed and to stop millions of plants, shrubs and trees from going to waste B&Q are giving away free plants. Just order what you want and they will deliver your order in a carboard box to your door.
Tap the link below to go to B&Q free plant give away.
https://external-preview.redd.it/vxPXEGgL4v8mCGw06IFGsmJNtq
Tap the link below to go to B&Q free plant give away.
https://external-preview.redd.it/vxPXEGgL4v8mCGw06IFGsmJNtq
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
