Any good jokes ... ?

[morrisman]

Greggs have announced that they will deliver food by drone to the homes of self-isolating people.

Personally, I think it's just pie in the sky.

 

[Cavalol]

Sean Connery has finally found his niche.

She was playing in the back garden with his nephew.

 

[Nibor]

Potential new answer to the close pass issue

 

[Chris S]

Just been in Aldi. Saw a fella whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!

I called him a selfish c*nt, gave him the low down about the elderly and mums (etc) who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself!

He said: “That’s all well and good mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

 

[Moon bunny]

When I was young, I could go to the shops with £1 and come back with 3 bags of crisps, 2 bars of chocolate, an ice lolly and a couple of fizzy drinks.
Nowadays they have cameras everywhere.

Bzzt!

When I was twelve I could go into a shop with a pound and come out with a can of coke, a bag of liquorice allsorts and a magazine.
Nowadays even the corner shops have CCTV.

 

[Threevok]

My mate from Wolverhampton asked me what is the difference between a buffalo and a bison.He says you can wash your hands in a bison.

Reminds me of the joke - Noddy Holder goes to the tailors for a new suit

Tailor : "Do you want flares?"
Noddy "Aye"
Tailor : "Do you want large lapels?"
Noddy "Aye"
Tailor : "Would you like a Kipper Tie?"
Noddy "Yes please, two sugars"

 

[postman]

Just been in Aldi. Saw a fella whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!

I called him a selfish c*nt, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be f*cking ashamed of himself!

He said: “That’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”

Brilliant joke,i have just pinched it,we have a community FB page we also have an Aldi,so i removed a couple of words and posted it.It's already got thirteen likes.Just brilliant.

 

[GM]

I don't care what people say, I've been stockpiling...

 

[betty swollocks]

The twin benefits of peeling the sheets of your 2-ply loo rolls apart are: a) they'll last twice as long and and b) you'll get in touch with your inner self.

 

[morrisman]

Now when people cross the street to avoid me I think they’re lovely!

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[morrisman]

"I got that job down the bowling alley
"What tenpin"
"No it's permanent"

 

[Shadow]

Last weekend, John Travolta thought he had contracted the coronavirus..........




........turned it was just a saturday night fever!

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Seevio]

I can count on one hand the number of times I've visited Chernobyl. ... It's 14.