Any good jokes ... ?

[EltonFrog]

My neighbour told me his seven year old kid won’t eat meat, he asked me what he could replace it with?

I said, ‘A dog, dogs love meat’.

 

[Cavalol]

 

[morrisman]

My favourite font is lawless, because it’s sans sheriff.

 

[PeteXXX]

That's a bit bold!

 

[PaulB]

My new year's resolution has been going very well so far. It's to be less condescending. That means talking down to people of limited intelligence.

 

[Dave7]

An 85 year old man married a 30 year old woman. Off they went on honeymoon.
After they returned his mate was asking how it all went.
Wonderful he said. We made love almost every night.
Amazing, his mate said, simply amazing!!
Yep, I almost managed it Monday, I almost managed it Tuesday, I almost managed it Wednesday.......... .

 

[ClichéGuevara]

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub . So I've started smoking.

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Archie_tect]

View attachment 502468

ARGHHH.... be gone foul demons.

 

[colly]

To whoever invented Zero.

Thanks for nothing.

 

[Cavalol]

I hear that Steve Tyler of Aerosmith has cut all meat and animal products out of his diet.

He’s livin’ on the veg.

 

[Nibor]

Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

• 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

• 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

• Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

• 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackwagons.

• 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

• 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

• 249 to post memes and gifs (several are of someone eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

• 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

• 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

• 12 to post F.

• 8 to ask what F means.

• 16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

• 3 to say "can't share"

• 2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

• 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

• 15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

• 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

• 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

• 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

• 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

• 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

• 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

• 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.......

 

[betty swollocks]

One morning, a farmer on an inspection of his farm, finds all his cows frozen into the snow.
He prays for help and a woman appears. She waves her arms and immediately all the cows defrost and go on their way.
"Thank you," the farmer cries, "are you magic?"

"No, I'm Thora Herd."

 

[morrisman]

I have three goldfish named Major, Minor, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

 

[betty swollocks]

I've just been to the public library to do research on the best bicycle chain lube.
The librarian said I'd find some books in the non-friction section.