Any good jokes ... ?

[john59]

When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.
Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.
He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and
bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...
Well, he would not stop showing off.
God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:
What is the other gift? '
God answered:
Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!

Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!

 

[thom]

From a guardian article. They're quite good :

1. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky.

2. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.

3. Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

4. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show.

5. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker.

6. Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.

7. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.

8. Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars? Because their days are numbered.

9. How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed? You've got three extra hoes.

10. Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison? Because it was a repeat offender.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Blackburn Rovers' DJ Campbell has just released a statement stating that he's 100% innocent and fully expects to be playing in his side's 4-0 loss next Saturday at Milwall.

 

[User33236]

My mate organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but he says he still had fun.

 

[Melonfish]

What do you give the man who has everything?
antibiotics.

how did darth vader know what luke got him for christmas?
he felt his presents.

why did the pony cough?
because he was a little horse.

what's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
with bird flu you need tweetments with swine flu you need oink-ment.

why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 was a registered sex offender...

had to edit to add this.
how many freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

My mate organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but he says he still had fun.

That is one of my favorites - the alternate version: I almost had a manage a trois last night..... just needed two more people....

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A Time VIne Favourite:

DOCTOR: Mr Vine, you've got hypochondria
MR VINE: Don't tell me I've got that as well....

 

[colly]

Share with those women who u want to give a smile to want to cop off with!!

Sorted that for you.

 

[colly]

Why was 6 afraid? Because 7 8 9 and 10.

It's probably been on here before but seeing as kids love it, you lot should be in hysterics.

 

[Profpointy]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"


Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide, That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide exactly as requested..

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

told my dad the version where Stalin had requested them from churchill. my dad had hears it before - churchill / stalin version in 1941 - still good though

 

[User33236]

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

 

[jhawk]

I've got lots. But they're naughty... Is that okay?

 

[Cubist]

I've got lots. But they're naughty... Is that okay?

Rude or risque is OK up to a point, but exercise your own discretion on what may be considered downright offensive rather than amusing. Your call.

 

[cosmicbike]

had to edit to add this.
how many freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

I'm sure you meant 'lamp' Bulb are placed in earth, and sprout into nice crocus or similar. Lamps provide light

 

[Slim]

My mate organised a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but he says he still had fun.

That's from The Good Sex Guide. I had a copy of that. Mind you, I got to page 53 and it said "from here onwards you will need a partner"