jhawk
Veteran
- Location
- New Brunswick, Canada
Why did God create women?
Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves.
Because hopes and dreams won't crush themselves.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
So I asked the guy in the record shop if he had anything by the Doors. Yes, he said, a bucket of sand and a fire blanket.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
I went into a pet shop and said "do you have a Manx cat?"
"No," said the guy " but I can make you one."
"No," said the guy " but I can make you one."
Dangermouse
MousePower
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops
--Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
--Anonymous
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
--Anonymous
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops
Once upon a time there was a small stable in a town called Nazareth, ant three wise men had been tipped off bythe celsetial angels that the Son of God was to be born in that stable, unfortunately due to sickness absence the third wise man could not make it and a rather shy, awkward apprentice took his place
When they arrived in Nazareth they checked the "Rough Guide to Judea" and "Trip Advisor" and so found the stable.
The first wise man realising that he was socially far superior to the parents, walked haughtily across the stable to the manger, dput down the gift of Gold, muttered a few reverent words and returned to the camels outside.
The second wise man again realising the low social status of a manual labourer being unworthy of addresssing walked across to the manger, deposited the gift of Frankincense, said a few reverent words of guidance to the child and returned to the camels.
They then briefed he apprentice and set him on his way, however as he crossed the floor he stood on a rake, which as in cartoons flew up hitting him in the face and causing the precious Myrrh to spill across the stable floor.
Absolutely beside himself with embarrassment he swore "Jesus H Christ"
The mother looked at him turned to the father and said:
"Isn't that a lovely name.... much better than the Albert your mother suggested!"
PS the joke long pre-dates the Monty Python sketch
When they arrived in Nazareth they checked the "Rough Guide to Judea" and "Trip Advisor" and so found the stable.
The first wise man realising that he was socially far superior to the parents, walked haughtily across the stable to the manger, dput down the gift of Gold, muttered a few reverent words and returned to the camels outside.
The second wise man again realising the low social status of a manual labourer being unworthy of addresssing walked across to the manger, deposited the gift of Frankincense, said a few reverent words of guidance to the child and returned to the camels.
They then briefed he apprentice and set him on his way, however as he crossed the floor he stood on a rake, which as in cartoons flew up hitting him in the face and causing the precious Myrrh to spill across the stable floor.
Absolutely beside himself with embarrassment he swore "Jesus H Christ"
The mother looked at him turned to the father and said:
"Isn't that a lovely name.... much better than the Albert your mother suggested!"
PS the joke long pre-dates the Monty Python sketch
midliferider
Guru
- Location
- Northampton
I did not get that one.
U
User33236
Guest
In base 8 31 is the same as 25 in decimal.
thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
There's always room for base humour in this thread - any kind of humour at all would be great...
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £200 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,000 in cash and said, "Here's five weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £200 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,000 in cash and said, "Here's five weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
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