Any good jokes ... ?

[glasgowcyclist]

She said "Err, John Denver and Steps".

That's sick.

GC

 

[Markymark]

A couple who have been married for many years decide to visit a sex therapist to spice up their dormant sex life. When they visit him he tells them he wants to see them naked to fully understand them. When they do he examines them both carefully then tells them to buy some donuts and some grapes. He tells the wife that she should throw the donuts onto the man’s dick and if it lands on it she should eat it off. He tells the husband he should roll the grapes towards his wife’s open legs. If he his ‘the target’ he should eat the grape from inside her.
They try this back at home and it improves their sex life no end.

They tell their close friends who are also having a non-existent sex life how good he is and that they should visit the doctor. When they arrive the doctor tells them to take their clothes off. The doctor then examines them but tells them he cannot help them. They plead with him as they really want to spice things up. The doctor eventually agrees. He tells them to buy some polo mints and some apples ….

 

[screenman]

The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

 

[Puddles]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business
.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.”

“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”

 

[TVC]

[QUOTE 2803552, member: 1314"]"Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes, and with it the sea and the sands – only Karun's body, locked with mine, remains. We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice."[/quote]
Makes a change from the usual knob gags you get on here

 

[swee'pea99]

[QUOTE 2803552, member: 1314"]"Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes, and with it the sea and the sands – only Karun's body, locked with mine, remains. We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice."[/quote]
Jeffrey Archer?

 

[ayceejay]

What was going on in that sentence could be summed up in one four letter word.

 

[Aperitif]

What was going on in that sentence could be summed up in one four letter word.

Nowt

 

[glenn forger]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Texan, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

 

[PaulB]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered; McDonald's serves breakfast until10:30....

 

[john59]

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!"

The Englishman said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with whipped cream and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Englishman said, ... "I wiped my hands on the curtains"

 

[glenn forger]

Girlfriend's just dumped me. She left a note:

"I'm leaving you because you are stupid and bigoted!"

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic, and it's not my fault I've got big toes.

 

[nicholas]

Why do seagulls have wings to beat gypsies to the tip

 

[gavgav]

There's been a rush on sales of Manchester United sledges over the past few days......apparently they are good at going downhill fast

 

[Cubist]

Why do seagulls have wings to beat gypsies to the tip

I give in, why do seagulls have wings to beat gypsies to the tip?