simon the viking
Guru
That one always make smile....
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Slim
Über Member
- Location
- Plough Lane
Is this the same Birmingham where they think Reuters are a bunch of novelists?
For all of you in education,
with sons, grandsons,
or who just love the things little kids say ~
a reminder that adult words
are often taken literally.......
A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said
'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school.
with sons, grandsons,
or who just love the things little kids say ~
a reminder that adult words
are often taken literally.......
A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said
'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school.
As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."
"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."
I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."
"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."
I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."
U
User6179
Guest
Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
Silver Fox
Guru
A bloke has just knocked on my front door, he was 3ft 3inches tall.
I looked down and asked who he was.
He replied, " I'm the metre man "
I looked down and asked who he was.
He replied, " I'm the metre man "
Dreadful accident
Sad News at the Nestle chocolate factory today a member of staff was seriously injured.
When a pallet of chocolate fell more than fifty feet and crushed him underneath he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted. "The Milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.
Sad News at the Nestle chocolate factory today a member of staff was seriously injured.
When a pallet of chocolate fell more than fifty feet and crushed him underneath he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted. "The Milky bars are on me", everyone cheered.
Last edited by a moderator:
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque.
As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to - I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"
As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to - I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."
Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"
Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"
...another dreadful accident
A woman was at home one afternoon and received a phone call from the Managing Director of the brewery where her husband worked. He informed here that there had been a dreadful accident and that her husband had been killed at work.
Through her tears she asked him how it had happened, and he informed her that her husband had fallen into the brewing tank and drowned.
She asked him whether he thought that it would have been an excrutiatingly painful death, and he responded that he didn’t think so, as her husband had got out 3 times to have a wee.
A woman was at home one afternoon and received a phone call from the Managing Director of the brewery where her husband worked. He informed here that there had been a dreadful accident and that her husband had been killed at work.
Through her tears she asked him how it had happened, and he informed her that her husband had fallen into the brewing tank and drowned.
She asked him whether he thought that it would have been an excrutiatingly painful death, and he responded that he didn’t think so, as her husband had got out 3 times to have a wee.
totallyfixed
Veteran
- Location
- The only county without a McDonalds
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching tv when he hears a knock at the door, when he opens it he is confronted by a delivery man holding a clipboard saying "sign here". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement,
"I have not ordered this"
The delivery man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says,
"You're not Nissan Main Deala?"
"I have not ordered this"
The delivery man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says,
"You're not Nissan Main Deala?"
machew
Veteran
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore
Tommy Cooper lives
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore
Tommy Cooper lives
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'
glenn forger
Guest
Exchanging emails with a girl I was quite keen on, she asked me what my guilty secrets were, I demurred, she pressed, so I said
"Sometimes when I masturbate I stick a finger up my bottom, sometimes my whole hand! You?"
She said "Err, John Denver and Steps".
"Sometimes when I masturbate I stick a finger up my bottom, sometimes my whole hand! You?"
She said "Err, John Denver and Steps".
