Any good jokes ... ?

[john59]

The Original Story of THREE LITTLE PIGS

The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

[vernon]

Is that quite funny where, by quite you mean remotely and by remotely you mean a few light years?

 

[dan_bo]

Is that quite funny where, by quite you mean remotely and by remotely you mean a few light years?

In my tiny mind Vern.

 

[vernon]

In my tiny mind Vern.

It's got impact I'll concede but the novelty quickly wears off. There used to be a plethora of converters knocking around in the early days of the Internet. I suppose they are still out there. The reverse process is more entertaining i.e. zizzle/schizzle converted to received pronunciation as is the visual/auditory/context conflict as used by Armstrong and Miller.

 

[dan_bo]

Oooh get 'im and his reverse shizzle.

 

[georginas dad]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

 

[Fnaar]

two nuns...
sitting on a nudist beach.
One has an ischaemic occlusion.
The other one laments her tardiness.

 

[Globalti]

Three nuns get killed in a terrible car crash and end up at the pearly gates. St Peter has a look through the ledger and announces that he's terribly sorry but Heaven is full and there's no space for them, and in any case they were killed very early in life so they'll get a second chance. Unfortunately their bodies were so mangled they will have to choose somebody else to live in for their remaining years on Earth.

The first nun says: "I'd like to go back as Petula Clark!"

"Why?" asks St Peter.

"Well she's a lovely lady with a lovely voice who gives so much pleasure and happiness to people, I've always admired her."

The second nun says: "I'd like to go back as the Queen Mother!"

"Why?" asks St Peter.

"Well she's so sweet and good natured, everybody loves her and admires her!"

The third nun says: "I'd like to go back as Zara Pipelinnie!"

"Zara Pipelinnie?" asks St Peter. "Who's she?"

The nun rummages in her habit and fishes out a yellowed old newspaper clipping, which she unfolds carefully and hands to St Peter to read.

It says:


























"Sahara Pipeline Laid by Two Thousand Men in Three Months."

 

[TVC]

Two nuns on bicycles riding down a cobbled street....


You know the rest

 

[Fnaar]

Two nuns in the bath....
One says...
"where's/wears the soap?"
The other one says "doesn't it just!/oooh yes....yes...yes.../it's there, on the side/in your hand/in the vestibule".

 

[vernon]

I'm sure that there's a joke thread somewhere that would welcome these as an addition.

 

[Beebo]

They are more like none jokes than nun jokes!

EDIT: Is this a pun joke about a nun joke?

 

[welsh dragon]

Sister mary and sister elizabeth are walking through the park on they're way towards town when 2 men jump out from the bushes, tear they're habits off of them and start to sexually assault them.

Sister mary looks towards the heavens and says, please lord, forgive him for he knows not what he is doing.

Sister elizabeth moans and says, oh lord.....mine does

 

[Fnaar]

Two nuns meet, walking through town...
one turns to the other and says....
hello, I'm a nun.
the other one says' hello, I've been questioning my spirituality, and I think I will take up another profession'.

 

[welsh dragon]

So they continue on they're way to town. Sister mary says to sister elizabeth, how are we going to explain to mother superior that we have been raped twice in the same day.

Sister elizabeth looks at sister mary and says, what do you mean twice in one day.

Sister mary says, well we're going back the same way aren't we. ?