Any good jokes ... ?

[Richard A Thackeray]

I never even knew he was poorly!

(it was a 'hamlet', & part of the original route of the Great North Road, but now just a lay-by on the southbound A1, below Wentbridge)

 

[kingrollo]

 

[PeteXXX]

I'm not sure if it's a scam phone call, or not, but they said I'd won two tickets for an Elvis tribute evening, or the cash equivalent.

They said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show..

 

[kingrollo]

 

[Cavalol]

After an explosion at work, my friend put in a claim for industrial deafness.



It's been six weeks now, and he still hasn’t heard anything.

 

[GM]

 

[LeetleGreyCells]

Advice needed:

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the loft.

So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves.

Any other suggestions?

 

[Electric_Andy]

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids.
Shame really, they would have loved that kitten.

 

[Threevok]

* Disclaimer - no actual kittens were harmed in the making of this joke

 

[Threevok]

* Disclaimer - other neglect-able species of animal are available

 

[morrisman]

I got banned from the Secret Cooking Society
For spilling the beans

 

[Cavalol]

My great granddad used to work in total silence. He was a coal mimer.

 

[postman]

Our local chippy has had a makeover.Gone all posh.Reduced prices bigger portions,and using glossy magazines to wrap them up.I am eating them out of house and home.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Sales of spinach in British supermarkets was unexpectedly high this year, leading to shortages.

Nobody expected the spinach acquisitions.

 

[morrisman]

My friend asked me, “Does sex change after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I didn’t notice a vas deferens.”