AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
It was a quote from Pulp Fiction in answer to Adrian's 'Pride?' query.
Edited to add that I like vernon's joke about the watch.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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It was a quote from Pulp Fiction in answer to Adrian's 'Pride?' query.
Edited to add that I like vernon's joke about the watch.
thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
It is true, nobody has been able to live up to that masterpiece, we should have closed the thread then and there ;-)
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
The wife asks her husband "Would you please nip out to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread..
The husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread..
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
A photon checks into a hotel and the clerk asks "Do you need a hand with your luggage?"
Photon says "I don't have any, I'm travelling light".
Photon says "I don't have any, I'm travelling light".
Leedsbusdriver
Every breath leaves me one less to my last
- Location
- West Yorkshire
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Leedsbusdriver
Every breath leaves me one less to my last
- Location
- West Yorkshire
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
Leedsbusdriver
Every breath leaves me one less to my last
- Location
- West Yorkshire
A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter
he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a p***s. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"
he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i fondled with one once". "wash ur hand in this holy water and enter heaven"
then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front
"whats wrong?" he asks
the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her arse in it"
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter
he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a p***s. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"
he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i fondled with one once". "wash ur hand in this holy water and enter heaven"
then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front
"whats wrong?" he asks
the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her arse in it"
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
A young sales rep is trying to make some sales in the Yorkshire Dales so he drives into a farmyard. Standing in the yard leaning against a fence is the farmer and next to him is a somewhat ferocious looking dog. The rep is too scared to get out of his car so winds his window down slightly to talk to the farmer. The farmer replies by saying "I'll not be havin a talk with yun lest you come oer ere an talk proper man t man"
The rep replies that he would love to do so if it weren't for your dog.
To this the farmer laughs and says "dint be a daft bugger me dog woodn't ert a fly"
The rep looks anxiously at the dog and says to the farmer "are you sure?
Course I'm bloody sure says the farmer.
So the rep gets out of his car and starts walking towards the farmer when the dog savagely attacks him. He just about manages to get back to the safety of his car but his clothes are in shreds and he is bleeding heavily from numerous dog bites. He winds the window down again and says to the farmer incredulously " I thought you said your dog wouldn't hurt a fly-just look at me!"
Thas true enuff lad says the farmer a did say ma dog wudnt ert a fly ......an thas not my dog!
(Apologies for the awful attempt at dialect!.)
The rep replies that he would love to do so if it weren't for your dog.
To this the farmer laughs and says "dint be a daft bugger me dog woodn't ert a fly"
The rep looks anxiously at the dog and says to the farmer "are you sure?
Course I'm bloody sure says the farmer.
So the rep gets out of his car and starts walking towards the farmer when the dog savagely attacks him. He just about manages to get back to the safety of his car but his clothes are in shreds and he is bleeding heavily from numerous dog bites. He winds the window down again and says to the farmer incredulously " I thought you said your dog wouldn't hurt a fly-just look at me!"
Thas true enuff lad says the farmer a did say ma dog wudnt ert a fly ......an thas not my dog!
(Apologies for the awful attempt at dialect!.)
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
Mr Celine
Discordian
- Location
- Waxing my moustache
deptfordmarmoset
Full time tea drinker
- Location
- Armonmy Way
Mad Doug Biker
Just a damaged guy.
- Location
- Craggy Island
chriss2.0
Active Member
- Location
- hartlepool
a blonde woman has a birthday party,
her boyfriend gives her a free flight lesson voucher
next day she arrives at the airfield for her lesson, and much to her surprise she was going to fly a helicopter.
anyhow the lesson has been and gone, the pilot says to her
"i think you should come back, i think you have a real gift hear"
so she comes back the next day, and the next and the next.
and after only 2 weeks she has learned it all and passes an early test,
so her instructor says to her
"since you have been such a star pupil i will loan you my helicopter for the day"
she jumps up and down and gets all exited jumps in the helicopter
the instructor proudly watches her take off and she starts flying down the field,
when out of the blue, the engine fails and she crashes.
the instructer runs as fast as he can to reach her, he finds her unharmed, relieved he asks her
"what happened?!"
blonde :"i dont know, i did everything you told me to"
instructor: "well, whats the last thing you remember?"
blonde: "well i was cold....."
instructor: "soo?"
blonde: "well i turned the big fan off, didnt i "
her boyfriend gives her a free flight lesson voucher
next day she arrives at the airfield for her lesson, and much to her surprise she was going to fly a helicopter.
anyhow the lesson has been and gone, the pilot says to her
"i think you should come back, i think you have a real gift hear"
so she comes back the next day, and the next and the next.
and after only 2 weeks she has learned it all and passes an early test,
so her instructor says to her
"since you have been such a star pupil i will loan you my helicopter for the day"
she jumps up and down and gets all exited jumps in the helicopter
the instructor proudly watches her take off and she starts flying down the field,
when out of the blue, the engine fails and she crashes.
the instructer runs as fast as he can to reach her, he finds her unharmed, relieved he asks her
"what happened?!"
blonde :"i dont know, i did everything you told me to"
instructor: "well, whats the last thing you remember?"
blonde: "well i was cold....."
instructor: "soo?"
blonde: "well i turned the big fan off, didnt i "
