Any good jokes ... ?

[ComedyPilot]

Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up men.........as if saying, "Piss off you fat loser", was going to get me into bed......

 

[ComedyPilot]

Judge: "Jury, have you reached your decision?"
Jury: "Yes your honour, we have"
Judge: "Well Mr Harris, can you guess what it is yet?"

 

[ComedyPilot]

Lots of people have a 'To Do' list - I have one and it only has one task:

That is to buy four piglets, and paint the numbers 1, 2, 3 and 5 on their backs.

Then comes the good bit, release them in Tescos, then sit back and watch the security guard look for number 4........

 

[Archie_tect]

Cleaning staff to aisle 3 please....

 

[JtB]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the Show."Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it ........ the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.....


and then 2 days...







then 3 days...








Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......








"OK, I give up. Where's the f**cking ship?"

 

[EltonFrog]

Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up men.........as if saying, "**** off you fat loser", was going to get me into bed......

That made me laugh. Which is the first joke on this thread that has done so.

 

[Venod]

Have we had this one yet ?

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.'

 

[Primal Scream]

Have we had this one yet ?

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.'

No, and I hope never to have it again, that joke was appalling

 

[Venod]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

 

[Venod]

saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?

 

[ComedyPilot]

Dave was behind me, sweating and panting heavily.

I looked over my shoulder and said, "We're going to have to stop, my arse is killing me."

He replied, "Well it was your stupid idea to ride a tandem."

 

[Archie_tect]

Just heard this on a BBC Radio trailer:
"Did you know that Americans spend more buying coffee than they do on their childrens' education... how do they sleep at night?"

 

[mrandmrspoves]

So, what do you call a tragic aging hipster dinosaur that insists on using Brooks saddles?



Tyranosorearse

This is defamatory to Brooks saddles!
When I could ride a "normal" bike, I always fitted a Brooks B17 and they were superbly comfortable.

A duck was standing at the kerb waiting for the traffic to clear when a chicken walked up to him and said........Don't do it or you'll never hear the last of it!

 

[mrandmrspoves]

I didn't take it personally

 

[vernon]

Have we had this one yet ?

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.'

No but it was on the radio the other day and listed as one of the funniest jokes ever. Told by Peter Kay apparently.

Here's a 2010 list of allegedly the funniest 50 jokes. Most of them made me smile.

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.