Any good jokes ... ?

[colly]

Lifes a funny old business huh?

The Iraq war, entered into on dodgy information with over a million human beings killed was legal........ but giving MPs a few extra days off, is beyond the pale?.

 

[PaulB]

I should probably start reading from Page 1 again... I'll've forgotten them all by now!

Funnily enough...


Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.

 

[kynikos]

View attachment 486484

...left hand...capo...

 

[DaveReading]

And 50% of people have a below average IQ

That's a mean thing to say.

Or, more accurately, a median thing.

 

[wheresthetorch]

View attachment 486484

View: https://youtu.be/W0pTpwqkB48

 

[Skanker]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

 

[PaulB]

A coach-load of fonts walks into a pub and the barman shouts, 'Get out, we don't serve your type in here!'

 

[Cavalol]

The man who invented motorway cafes has passed away. He will be remembered in services across the country.

 

[Cavalol]

Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his mother he's arrived?

 

[Racing roadkill]

A man phones the RSPCA, and says “ I’ve found an old suitcase, with 3 small kittens in it, what should I do”? The operator asks “are they moving”? The guy replies “ I don’t know, but I guess that might explain the suitcase”.

 

[CharlesF]

An elderly couple were in church..


The woman whispers to her husband, "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"


He softly replied, "Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

 

[ClichéGuevara]

 

[Cavalol]

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometers for short.

 

[PaulB]

I'm putting my De Lorean up for sale if anyone's interested in it. Low mileage and only driven from time to time.

 

[Cavalol]

My kids have scribbled all over my copy of 'Das Kapital' - it's just full of unintelligible Marx.