Any good jokes ... ?

[Threevok]

The olde ones are the best

 

[postman]

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Why am i seeing Ken Dodd in my head,mind you this is not funny.

 

[colly]

 

[Fab Foodie]

A Doberman, a Poodle and a Whippet died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven ❤
God asks them all three, what they believe in?
The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."
"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."
"Poodle, what do you believe in?" Asked God.
The Poodle answers: "I believe in love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."
"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."
Then he looked at the Whippet: "And what do you believe in?"
The Whippet stood there, looked at him and answered :
"I believe you're sitting in my seat!"

 

[bruce1530]

A guy goes to confession for the first time in many years.

He’s surprised just how luxurious the confessional chamber is. His memory was of a bare space with hard wooden boards, but there’s a padded chesterfield chair. Sitting beside it is a magazine rack with the day’s newspapers and a selection of magazines. There’s a shelf with fresh sandwiches and cakes, and below that a cabinet with beer, whisky and a selection of wines.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been many years since my last confession, and I can’t believe how much it has changed....”

“Get the f**k out of there”, says the priest, “You’re on the wrong side”.

 

[raleighnut]

A Doberman, a Poodle and a Whippet died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven ❤
God asks them all three, what they believe in?
The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."
"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."
"Poodle, what do you believe in?" Asked God.
The Poodle answers: "I believe in love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."
"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."
Then he looked at the Whippet: "And what do you believe in?"
The Whippet stood there, looked at him and answered :
"I believe you're sitting in my seat!"

But what was the Cat's God's reply to the Whippet

 

[PaulB]

Conjunctivitis.com. There's a site for sore eyes.

 

[Chris S]

A drunk walks into a confession box.
After a few minutes of silence the priest asks, "Have you anything to say my son?"
"Is there any paper on your side?" the drunk replies.

 

[Chris S]

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, when I went to England I became a prostitute."
"Get out of this church and never show your face in here again!"
"Forgive me Father, forgive me, it's the only way I could fund my crack cocaine addiction."
"Sorry, what did you say you became?"
"A prostitute father, a prostitute!"
"Thank God for that. I thought you said you had become a Protestant. Say six Hail Marys and your forgiven."

 

[JtB]

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We can have a bit of fun here with apostrophes as Boris’s Johnson meets Donald’s Trump.

 

[morrisman]

My friend came second in a Winston Churchill look alike contest.
Close but no cigar.

 

[Chris S]

"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning"
"Thank-you, Sir"

 

[Cavalol]

I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits .It's not exactly the Ritz.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Cavalol]

My proctologist is so slow - I really wish he'd pull his finger out.