Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
blade1889
Fishing In The Rivers Of Life
- Location
- Mu-Mu Land
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
The Frenchman thought - "That farking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me."
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French twat again."
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
The Frenchman thought - "That farking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by a mistake she slapped me."
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon, so I can smack that French twat again."
After a brief online romance Bob and Sue agree to get together for an illicit weekend of 'romance' . The initial meeting goes well both look pretty much like their respective photos. Dinner goes well too and at last they retire to the hotel bedroom to satiate their lusts.
Much the Sue's surprise Bob says he is very shy and would rather undress in the bathroom and off he goes to get ready for the forthcoming encounter. Sue is a little disappointed but being a kindly souls she accepts Bob's quirk and says nothing.
Unknown to Bob, Sue can see his reflection in the bathroom mirror and as she watches she sees Bob take off his toupe.
'Oh Well, never mind' thinks Sue. 'But I wish he had been more honest'
Then she sees him take out his false teeth.
Then remove a tiny hearing aid.
Then a glass eye.
Sue is getting more and more desperate.
Then a prosthetic ear
Then he takes of his trousers and removes his false leg.
Bob calls out softly.
'Sue, I'm nearly done. Are you ready for some cock?'
'Yes Bob I am, throw it out'
Much the Sue's surprise Bob says he is very shy and would rather undress in the bathroom and off he goes to get ready for the forthcoming encounter. Sue is a little disappointed but being a kindly souls she accepts Bob's quirk and says nothing.
Unknown to Bob, Sue can see his reflection in the bathroom mirror and as she watches she sees Bob take off his toupe.
'Oh Well, never mind' thinks Sue. 'But I wish he had been more honest'
Then she sees him take out his false teeth.
Then remove a tiny hearing aid.
Then a glass eye.
Sue is getting more and more desperate.
Then a prosthetic ear
Then he takes of his trousers and removes his false leg.
Bob calls out softly.
'Sue, I'm nearly done. Are you ready for some cock?'
'Yes Bob I am, throw it out'
Hill Wimp
Fair weathered,fair minded but easily persuaded.
Why did the Jelly Baby want to go to school ?
Because it wanted to be a Smartie
Because it wanted to be a Smartie
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, Ithought it was one of the horses."
They are driven in a 1934 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, Ithought it was one of the horses."
thom
____
- Location
- The Borough
glenn forger
Guest
Just had a water fight with next door's kids!
They were no match for me and my kettle.
They were no match for me and my kettle.
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell *
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
TonyEnjoyD
Guru
- Location
- Newcastle upon Tyne
I was offered a very well paid job in a sperm bank, but turned it down as I had to work a month in hand!
Over a few months I forced myself to work half an hour a day in a monastery stitching bits of material together and now its become a habit.
Over a few months I forced myself to work half an hour a day in a monastery stitching bits of material together and now its become a habit.
ANCIENT WISDOM....
Keep THIS IN MIND the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Keep THIS IN MIND the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
