raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
not really a joke but I 'found' this earlier and just had to post it somewhere,
View: https://youtu.be/Nqn2lnx9SbI
View: https://youtu.be/Nqn2lnx9SbI
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Scientists in Japan have developed a camera with such a fast shutter speed that it can produce an image of a Scotsman with his wallet open.
U
User6179
Guest
I heard it was that quick it captured an Englishman with his mouth shut......
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Not a joke as such, but very funny. Supposedly a real tweet too...
derrick
The Glue that binds us together.
- Location
- On the edge of London
Stick with agony aunt.
Lullabelle
Banana
- Location
- Midlands UK
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
ME: "I love this thread!"
Fred: "What?"
Fred: "What?"
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Say again?
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Yes please, pint of mild.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Ah yes, does it still say that on the back of ice cream vans?
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that"
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that"
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
