Any good jokes ... ?

[Cavalol]

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?


Me: You promise not to go mad? No matter what I say?


Wife: Yes.


Me: I slept with your sister.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate...


I was so shocked, I almost tripped over my willy.

 

[glasgowcyclist]

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?

We were going out last night and my wife was in the bathroom doing her make up and trying on her new dress.
She called me upstairs and asked, "Does my bum look big in this?"
I said, "Well, to be fair, we are in the smallest room in the house."

 

[betty swollocks]

I used to work in a Russian napkin factory. I was in the serviette union.

I don't believe you. It's all a tissue of lies.

 

[colly]

I don't believe you. It's all a tissue of lies.

Snot funny that.

 

[wheresthetorch]

Snot funny that.

It's not something to be sneezed at.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife keeps accusing me of making stuff up. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not even married.

 

[morrisman]

I've invented a device to cool the lower jaw of South American rodents.
It's a Chinchilla Chin Chiller

 

[Cavalol]

I keep passing wind like a Mike Oldfield record. The doctor said I’ve Tubular Bowels.

 

[swee'pea99]

 

[betty swollocks]

Snot funny that.

In which case it's atishooo of lies.

 

[Cavalol]

What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight?

Liam Malone.

 

[Cavalol]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

[benb]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Possibly.
On a related note, I saw a couple of pigeons trying, but failing to vocalise.
It was an attempted coo.

 

[PaulB]

Does every sentence have to contain a vegetable?

Not nececelery.