Any good jokes ... ?

[PaulB]

I heard that recently where the line was allegedly said by a presenter on Orkney radio (and in the context of the rivalry between Orkney and Shetland).

How do you know ET comes from Shetland?
He looks like he does.

How can you tell the difference between Nigel Farage and ET?

ET parts his hair in the middle.

 

[glasgowcyclist]

I believe it was Mark Steel on "The News Quiz".

That's the one!

 

[Cavalol]

Dropped my favourite Spandau Ballet CD in the washing machine by mistake. Round and round it goes.

 

[Electric_Andy]

I went to the Doctor today, had the consultation and he said "you've got atrophy".

I replied "Well that's very nice thank you, but I didn't realise it was a competition".

 

[Dayvo]

A young newly-married couple have just moved into the house next to me and made their first live sex film.

They're not aware of it yet, though.

 

[Deleted member 26715]

A young newly-married couple have just moved into the house next to me and made their first live sex film.
They're not aware of it yet, though.

Joking aside many years I went camping & there was a couple on their honeymoon (married the day before) they'd never camped before & didn't turn out the light until somebody shouted at them, they also didn't realise how sound travelled on a quiet campsite as well

 

[Dave7]

Joking aside many years I went camping & there was a couple on their honeymoon (married the day before) they'd never camped before & didn't turn out the light until somebody shouted at them, they also didn't realise how sound travelled on a quiet campsite as well

Similar experience from years ago. Camping in cornwall. A young couple set up tent close to us. He openly told me that he had told his wife he was away on business and the girl was his "other".
They had borrowed the tent and had never camped so had no idea how sound travelled.
We knew they enjoyed the 1st night but next day I explained the problem to him (for their sake really)......he thanked me and they calmed it down.

 

[screenman]

 

[Cavalol]

Bumped into Patricia Routledge today. That's another one off my Bucket list.

 

[NorthernDave]

Bumped into Patricia Routledge today. That's another one off my Bucket list.

That deserves more than a single 'like', but that's all I can give.

 

[Smokin Joe]

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

 

[Cavalol]

How much to buy a singing ensemble?
"You mean a choir?"
OK, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

 

[Cavalol]

Hopeless attempt sorry, haven't got Photoshop

 

[Leaway2]

Hopeless attempt sorry, haven't got Photoshop

Go on, I'll have a go.

 

[Cavalol]

Brilliant, thanks.