It's on the other side of your phone, walk round the table to find it.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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It's on the other side of your phone, walk round the table to find it.
A chap goes to the patent office to register a new type of mousetrap.
It had a little ramp. At the top of the ramp was a razor blade, and beyond the blade was a bit of cheese.
"How does that work?” says the Patents Officer
“Well”, says the inventor, ”the mouse walks up the ramp. It looks over the razor blade, sees the cheese, and when it tries to eat it, the blade cuts its throat.”
“I could see how that might work, but I can imagine it wouldn’t be very effective. Can I suggest that you improve the design - maybe incorporate some sort of sawing motion to get a better cut?”
So the guy goes away, and comes back a fortnight later.
He has the same contraption. A ramp, and a razor blade at the top. But this time there’s no cheese.
“How does that one work?"
“Well, the mouse walks up the ramp, looks over the razor blade, and (moves head from side to side) says “Where’s the f...ing cheese gone?"
It had a little ramp. At the top of the ramp was a razor blade, and beyond the blade was a bit of cheese.
"How does that work?” says the Patents Officer
“Well”, says the inventor, ”the mouse walks up the ramp. It looks over the razor blade, sees the cheese, and when it tries to eat it, the blade cuts its throat.”
“I could see how that might work, but I can imagine it wouldn’t be very effective. Can I suggest that you improve the design - maybe incorporate some sort of sawing motion to get a better cut?”
So the guy goes away, and comes back a fortnight later.
He has the same contraption. A ramp, and a razor blade at the top. But this time there’s no cheese.
“How does that one work?"
“Well, the mouse walks up the ramp, looks over the razor blade, and (moves head from side to side) says “Where’s the f...ing cheese gone?"
Stephenite
Membå
- Location
- OslO
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the ***k do they want with a plasterer?"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the ***k do they want with a plasterer?"
Electric_Andy
Heavy Metal Fan
- Location
- Plymouth
I'm going drag racing on Sunday. I'm looking forward to the 100m high heels event.
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
LCpl Boiled Egg
Three word soundbite
Leaway2
Lycrist
- Location
- Manchester (Sale)
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Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
M5 closed today after nuclear accident produces eight-legged freak
